Families Supporting Adoption Utah West Valley Chapter

Mini Class: Preparing your Children for the Playground

2012-02-05T15:38:00.000-08:00

As parents, protecting our children is gut instinct. Of course we want them to have friends, play and have fun. How do we help prepare them for questions and comments about adoption when we are not around?

Come to our Mini Class and find the answers

Thursday February 9th

6:30 p.m.

LDS Family Services

West Valley Agency

Conference Room

Delicious refreshments will be served.

See you there

www.itsaboutlove.org

Annual Adoption Walk

2011-11-03T08:47:00.000-07:00

www.itsaboutlove.org

Infertility Fall Event

2011-10-17T10:38:00.001-07:00

Utah Infertility Awareness is hosting a Fall Event on Tuesday, October 25th from 6:30-8 PM at the Draper Library. Speakers will include Lindsey & Josh Redfern (The R House), Tiffany & Jonathan Alleman (Mrs. Utah), and Andrea & John Timothy (Utah Infertility Awareness Committee). Please visit their website for more information. The event is free, but registration is required.

www.itsaboutlove.org

Annual Boondock's Day

2011-10-17T10:33:00.000-07:00

Join us for the Annual Adoption Celebration at Boondock's on Saturday, November 5th! Pre-registration is required this year, so please make sure to visit the Registration Page before October 24th if you plan on attending.

www.itsaboutlove.org

Taxes & Adoption

2011-10-05T20:55:00.000-07:00

Questions about how the Adoption Tax Credit works, how to use it and what to do?

Come join us for our FSA Mini-Class

Thursday October 20th, 2011

6:30 p.m.

West Valley Agency Board Room

David Crandall, will be advising the discussion. He is CPA, licensed in California and Utah. Currently he is a tax partner with a local firm.

IRS CIRCULAR 230 DISCLAIMER: This communication, including any attachments, is not intended and cannot be used by a taxpayer for either avoiding tax penalties or promoting, marketing or recommending any transaction.

www.itsaboutlove.org

Finding Friday- Update Preference Checklist

2011-09-16T13:38:00.000-07:00

Revisit your preference checklist and see if any of your answers might have changed since you first filled it out.

www.itsaboutlove.org

PICNIC TODAY: New Details

2011-09-10T07:49:00.000-07:00

We hope you will be able to join us today at the FSA Picnic. We look forward to visiting with you.

FYI - I drove by there this morning and they are repaving 3500 South.

It might be easiest to drive heading west on 3500 South so you can make a right turn into the park. It is on the north side of the street.

It is the park right next to the West Valley Animal Shelter. You can also enter the park on 4100 West again the name of the park is "City Park".

We will try to have the yellow balloons out to help guide the way.
We will be in a pavilion next to the play land west of the baseball diamond.

If you have any questions or get lost call Kim's Cell phone.

www.itsaboutlove.org

West Valley FSA Picnic

2011-08-31T05:14:00.000-07:00

Just when you were thinking all your summer fun was over, we are having our annual picnic Saturday, here are the details. We can't wait to see you there.

Annual West Valley FSA Picnic

When: Saturday September 10 2011 2:00 p.m.

Where: City Park

4500 West 3500 South West Valley City

watch for yellow balloons

Please bring your favorite salad, or desert.

Luau Theme: We are having Hawaiian Haystacks

There is a playground there for the kids.

We will also have:

Luau Games

See you there!!

"Rooted In Love"

2011-06-26T21:09:00.000-07:00

The National FSA Conference will be held Friday and Saturday, August 12th and 13th at the Davis Conference Center. The line up of speakers and classes is phenomenal this year and include keynote addresses from Julie B Beck and Karyn Purvis. Classes include:

What Adoptive Children need from their birth parents

How to plan a post-placement life

Step by Step: Pregnancy to Placement

Openness in Adoption, Nurturing Marriage

Adoption Law, Infertility, Life Books,

Attuning to your child, Grief and Healing

Foster to Adopt, Infant bonding, Why FSA?

and many more!!!

The conference is open to anyone touched by adoption or interested in learning more. Please join us there!
For more information, visit the Nat'l FSA Blog.

To register for the National FSA Conference 2011 "Rooted in Love", please click here.

www.itsaboutlove.org

Life Book Mini Class

2011-05-17T10:20:00.000-07:00

Creating a Life Book for your adopted children, is putting their story in their hands. Its using words and photos, in creating a book that will help answer the who, what, why, where and how questions that will come up about their adoption experience.

Our chapter is doing a mini class on Thursday about Life Books, come and join us. If you have done a life book for your children please bring it to share.

May 19th

6:30 pm

West Valley Agency

Questions? Please email us at westvalleyfsa@gmail.com

www.itsaboutlove.org

2nd Annual Utah Infertility Awareness Event

2011-04-04T16:56:00.000-07:00

This is a community sponsored event for anyone affected by infertility. Attendance is free, but you will need to register because of limited seating. For more information about this event or to register for it, please visit Utah Infertility Awareness.

www.itsaboutlove.org

New RESOLVE Chapter in Salt Lake

2011-04-04T16:36:00.000-07:00

The National Infertility Association RESOLVE has opened a new chapter in Salt Lake City. This will be a peer-led infertility support group with open membership. For more information about the support group, click here.

To visit the RESOLVE website, click here.

www.itsaboutlove.org

Finding Friday- Be a Presenter

2011-03-04T13:58:00.000-08:00

Present about adoption in community, school, and/or church settings. You do not have to already have adopted to volunteer. The presentations are already prepared, they just need your personal touch in sharing them. You can come watch others give presentations to see what this outreach thing is all about. Click here to read "Why I Do School Outreach".

Please contact westvalleyfsa@gmail.com for more information or to become a volunteer.

www.itsaboutlove.org

Finding Friday- Retake Adoption Classes

2011-02-25T13:56:00.000-08:00

Retake Adoption Education classes. Use the refresher course to get new perspective and ideas.

www.itsaboutlove.org

Upcoming Mini Class - Living Through the Adoption Issues

2011-02-17T04:41:00.000-08:00

We are excited to start doing the Mini-Classes again.

These are every other month, open to everyone.

They are about different adoption issues.

Classes will be held every other month on the third Thursday, 6:30 at the Agency.

Topic: Living Through the Adoption Issues

Thursday March 17th 6:30 p.m.

LDS Family Services West Valley Agency

Stephanie Egbert will be our presenter. Her and her husband entered into the world of Adoption over 20 years ago. With 3 adopted children and 3 biological, she has had much experience dealing with issues that come up between adopted and biological siblings, as well as raising a transracial family. She is so passionate about adoption and her family, we look forward to all her words of wisdom.

www.itsaboutlove.org

Adoption Tax Credit

2011-02-15T07:24:00.000-08:00

www.itsaboutlove.org

Finding Friday- FSA

2011-02-11T13:48:00.000-08:00

Join and attend Families Supporting Adoption (FSA) meetings and activities. There is such peace and strength that comes for being part of a group of people in similar situations to yours. FSA is awesome!

www.itsaboutlove.org

Finding Friday- Ward Council

2011-02-04T13:44:00.000-08:00

Attend Ward Council and talk with church committees (High Council, Priesthood, Relief Society) regarding your desire to adopt.

www.itsaboutlove.org

Finding Friday- Magnets

2011-01-28T13:42:00.000-08:00

Make and distribute fridge magnets similar to pass along cards. This will not only help people keep track of your card, but also remind them of your hope to adopt every time they get in their fridges!

www.itsaboutlove.org

Finding Friday- Attend the Temple

2011-01-21T13:42:00.000-08:00

Attend a temple session with expectant parents in mind.

www.itsaboutlove.org

Finding Friday- Talk to your Doctor

2011-01-14T13:40:00.000-08:00

Talk to your doctor's office personnel (OBGYN, Family Practitioner, Pediatrician, etc) to inform expectant parents of adoption possibilities. Be sure to leave your information with them, especially pass along cards, profiles, etc.

www.itsaboutlove.org

Finding Friday- Ask for Support

2010-12-31T13:26:00.000-08:00

Ask your family, friends, ward leaders, and others to keep your endeavors to adopt in their prayers. You can also ask these same people to help you pass out pass along cards, pencils, pens, etc.

www.itsaboutlove.org

Finding Friday- Family

2010-12-17T13:37:00.000-08:00

Contact immediate and extended family members to see how they can help.

www.itsaboutlove.org

Finding Friday- Update Pictures

2010-12-10T13:28:00.000-08:00

Update pictures in your profile to keep your profile fresh.

"When my husband and I were approved for our second adoption, our one-year-old daughter still looked very young in our pictures. We wanted to make sure that as she grew, our pictures reflected her current stages. We did not want to be passed up for an adoption opportunity because someone looked at our profile and said, "This crazy couple already has a baby. What are they on here trying to get another for?"
-Stephanie Colligan

www.itsaboutlove.org

Finding Friday- Help a Birthmom

2010-12-03T13:33:00.000-08:00

Volunteer to help with a Birth Mother's needs. Your case worker can help give you some direction or ideas on how to do this.

www.itsaboutlove.org

Finding Friday- Pens and Pencils

2010-11-26T13:22:00.000-08:00

Buy pens and pencils with your names, website address, case worker's name and phone number. How many times have your borrowed a pen and accidentally taken it with you when you left? Try doing the opposite- leave a pen or pencil wherever you use one. This way, someone else will take your information home when they forget to return the pen they are borrowing!

www.itsaboutlove.org

Finding Ideas- Blog or Website

2010-11-12T12:23:00.000-08:00

Create a blog or other website about your family to be used for adoption purposes. For some examples or ideas, check out the links on the right side of the blog under FSA Board Members or many profiles on It's About Love will have links to personal blogs. This is a great way to customize a personal space in addition to your online profile.

www.itsaboutlove.org

"Ways to Celebrate National Adoption Month" By Mrs. R

2010-11-09T12:00:00.000-08:00

i often hear, "i wish i lived in Utah so that i could celebrate National Adoption Month." we wish you were here too! however, there are LOTS of things you can do to celebrate National Adoption Month in your neck of the woods wherever that is. not living in the great beehive state is no excuse!

Adoptive Families Magazine made this is a super cute calendar that is not only chuck-full of ways to celebrate National Adoption Month, but it will also look great on your fridge and is cute enough to print out and pass out to neighbors, family members and friends. click HERE to download it.

here's a list of items you can do everyday from adoption.com:

Read an adoption-specific book. This can be in any genre that you like best. If you're a member of a book club, suggest the entire group read an adoption-specific book.
Celebrate your child's heritage through a new recipe, a cultural dance, or traditional fairytales. If your child's heritage isn't different from your own, let your child select any heritage for your family to learn more about and to celebrate.
Ask your local libraries or bookstores to feature adoption-related books this month. Encourage them to place these books in the entrance to garner the most attention.
Commit to sponsor a less fortunate child for an entire year. There are many programs through which to do this. Make sure the organization is reputable and trustworthy.
Encourage local schools to speak and teach about adoption.
Blog about adoption awareness. And if you have personal experience in adoption, share that as well. You never know who you can touch and how you can change someone's perspective.
Bake cookies for all the adoption professionals who helped you through the adoption process. They will appreciate it.
Ask your employer to look into adding adoption benefits to your existing benefits. If your employer currently does not offer any type of benefits, encourage a local, large business to offer adoption benefits to their employees.
Have a get-together with members from all sides of the adoption triad. Enjoy the company, and give each person the opportunity to share his or her own personal experience with adoption. This will provide greater insight into all sides of the adoption triad.
With your family, brainstorm and create a new family tradition. This doesn't necessarily have to be adoption-related. It can be a new tradition for the upcoming Christmas holiday, or a family summer tradition after school has ended. The important thing is to continue growing closer as a family.
Make a family tree that includes both adoptive and birth children. This solidifies that it doesn't matter if one has different birth parents; He or she is still an important and loved member of your family. Creating this family tree encourages unity within your family unit, increasing the strength within your familial bonds.
Send thank-you cards to your local foster care office. They work hard and would love to know they are appreciated for their dedication and for all their efforts.
Look into becoming a foster parent. There are many children in need of a home. Even if you're not ready to begin the adoption process, becoming a foster parent is a great alternative. You're still providing a child with a loving and stable home. And this can make all the difference in the life of that child.
Celebrate your family by beginning or catching up on your scrapbooking. Scrapbook the pregnancy and birth of your children and the adoption process and first pictures of your adopted children. Remember to spend equal time scrapbooking about each child. This can also help encourage unity and confidence within your home.
Organize your own adoption event to have later in the month. Is there something you've always wanted to do or be a part of during the National Adoption Awareness Month? This is the perfect chance to become more involved this month. Take advantage of it, and enjoy yourself.
Watch an adoption-related movie with your family. When choosing a movie, make sure it shows adoption in a positive light. Once you've found a few movies that could work, let your children have the final say in which movie to watch first. This helps them to feel involved and important.
Email or call friends and family about upcoming adoption events. Invite them to participate where and when they can. If you'll be attending an event later in the month, directly invite friends and family members to join you. Sometimes all people need is a friend there so they feel comfortable. Soon, they'll be inviting their own friends--and these National Adoption Awareness Month's events will continue to grow in size and strength.
Mentor foster children close to "aging out" of the system. They may need lessons and information on basic life skills for living alone and so on. Ask the foster child what he or she would like to learn, and go from there.
Volunteer at a local maternity home. Some of these women are scared, nervous, or confused. They could use your care and concern for their well-being. Show them the love and kindness they deserve.
National Adoption Day! Support your local adoption community by attending a ceremony. This is such an amazing even to experience. Take your children with you. It is a ceremony from which everyone can benefit--no matter the age.
Encourage your children to share their thoughts and feelings about adoption. Have your children invite their friends over as well. It can be a great learning experience for them and a great teaching experience for you. Let your children and your children's friends know that it is acceptable and encouraged to ask questions about adoption. You're there to help.
Invite your local media to cover adoption events. Help get the word out to other community members about these events. The more people you reach, the bigger the events.
Attend a local adoption support group. Offer your support and understanding. If you have a story to share, and you feel comfortable sharing it, tell it. You have listening ears awaiting you.
Begin a lifebook for yourself or your child. Have you child help you, if he or she is old enough. This can be an additional bonding experience for the two of you. It is something both of you will look back on and remember fondly.
Thanksgiving: Spend this day enjoying your family. As is tradition for many families, go around the table and each share what he or she is thankful for.
Keep positive thoughts for those currently with pending adoptions. Encourage your children to do so as well. This can also lead into more adoption discussion and questions that your children may have.
Donate clothing, toys, and books to Family and Children's Services. Just a small donation can make a huge difference in the life of a child or a parent.
Light a candle for your or your child's birth parents. This will give the opportunity for your child to ask questions about his or her birth parents. You may want to be prepared to answer these questions before you begin.
Collect donations for waiting children and their families for the upcoming holiday season. The holidays can be difficult for many people and families. You have the opportunity to lighten the load and make a happier holiday season for someone.
Learn or teach about positive adoption language. And be more mindful to use it in future discussions about adoption.

if you happen to be in Utah this month, here are some fabulous activities you won't want to miss:

click to enlarge.

On Saturday, November 13th the Utah Adoption Exchange is hosting a Profile Adoption Party from 9:30-11:00 am at Boondocks Fun Center in Draper. (75 South Fork Drive) **Please note: To attend this event, you must have an approved home study from the state.**

"Profiles and photos of waiting children in Utah will be available. Staff from both Utah's Division of Child and Family Services as well as The Adoption Exchange will be available to answer questions."

click to enlarge.

Celebrate National Adoption Awareness Month with Utah Adoption Council on Saturday, November 13th from 11-2 pm at Boondocks Fun Center (both the Draper and the Kaysville locations!). The cost is $5.00 per family--any size family. (cash only!)

Chili will be provided by Wendy's and you can enjoy unlimited miniature golf, 10 arcade tokens and 1 pass valid to choose from the following attractions: go-karts, slick track, rookie go-karts, rock wall, laser tag of max-flight roller coaster simulator.

On Monday, November 22nd, Utah Valley University will be hosting their second annual Conference on Adoption.

The opening keynote will be given by Steve Scully the Senior Executive Producer & Political Editor of C-SPAN.

Barbara Smith, Channel 4 News Personality, will be the luncheon speaker.

Nina Easton, Washington Editor, Fortune Magazine will be giving the Closing Keynote.

More details and registration info available HERE.

happy celebrating!

Written by the r house. Used with permission.

www.itsaboutlove.org

Finding Friday- Pray

2010-11-05T12:34:00.000-07:00

Pray for expectant parents to come to LDS Family Services.

Pray for opportunities to share your hope to adopt.

Pray for your information to get to the right birth parents.

Pray not only to be chosen by a birth mother, but also for your birth parents to recognize you when they hear about you.

3 Nephi 19:9 "And they did pray for that which they most desired."

www.itsaboutlove.org

Finding Friday- Pass Along Cards

2010-10-29T12:29:00.000-07:00

Create pass along cards. Send them out to family and friends, and keep some with you at all times. Search online for places that will print these inexpensively, such as Spaces for Faces. Hand these out like candy! You can include them in envelopes with bills, leave them with your receipt at restaurants, give one to the checker at a grocery or department store, etc. Be creative and explain to family and friends how they can help pass them out.

www.itsaboutlove.org

Finding Friday- Other Adoption Options

2010-10-22T13:51:00.000-07:00

Check with government foster care and adoption services. Maybe your child is trying to find you right now, too! Attend the Foster Adoption Forum on November 4th at the Riverton office.

www.itsaboutlove.org

Finding Friday- Holiday Correspondence

2010-10-15T12:17:00.000-07:00

Include your desires to adopt and adoption updates in regular/holiday correspondence. This can be part of an annual letter about your family or a separate insert in the same envelope as a seasonal card.

www.itsaboutlove.org

Finding Friday- Hard Copies

2010-10-08T12:10:00.000-07:00

Create a hard copy profile with pictures and a copy of your Expectant Parent letter. Make a few copies and always keep one with you. Sometimes opportunities to put a plug in for your adoption come very unexpectedly. Hard copies are more difficult for people to throw away, so your profile might travel much farther than simply telling someone about your profile or blog address.

www.itsaboutlove.org

Finding Friday- Profile

2010-10-01T12:02:00.000-07:00

Get your profile posted online. This will get allow more expectant parents to find your information and get to know your family. Completing paperwork can be exhausting, but getting approved and seeing your family's profile online is so exciting!

www.itsaboutlove.org

Foster and Adoptive Family Forum

2010-09-28T13:04:00.000-07:00

www.itsaboutlove.org

Annual Adoption Walk

2010-09-28T13:01:00.000-07:00

www.itsaboutlove.org

WestFest Parade

2010-09-13T12:39:00.000-07:00

This year's West Fest parade was great! Of course we love to cheer for how darling our kids are, but it's even better to hear everyone down the parade route cheering for our cute kids and for adoption. Thank you to everyone who marched with us. We love showing the community we serve the joy and blessings of adoption!

We are already planning our parade fun for next year's West Fest Parade: a trailer with a bubble machine, as many kids as we can squish on there with their cute faces, handing out pass along cards and pens . . . and of course some candy. Mark your calendar for June 26th, 2011!

www.itsaboutlove.org

Adoption Advocacy Class

2010-09-12T03:57:00.000-07:00

Thursday September 16th

6:30 p.m.

West Valley Agency

**Special Treat** Leatherby’s Ice Cream will be served.

Come learn about different ways you can promote your own adoption and the cause of adoption. From the small and simple to the big and loud. If we don’t teach others about adoption, who will?

www.itsaboutlove.org

2010-09-07T15:40:00.000-07:00

Just when you were thinking all your summer fun was over, we are having our annual picnic Saturday, here are the details. We can't wait to see you there.

Annual West Valley FSA Picnic

When: Saturday September 11 2010 5:00 p.m.

Where: Hidden Valley Park

555 W 5430 S Murray

Please bring your favorite picnic salad, fruit or veggie, so we can get to know you better.

There is a playground there for the kids, we will also have prizes for games.

We will also have:

Handouts from FSA Conference Classes

Handouts from FSA Mini Classes

Child ID Kits

Information about Church Outreach

Information about School Outreach

Information about F.S.A

Directions: (Watch for yellow balloons)

On 5300 South

Turn so you are heading south on Allendale Drive (about 610 West)

Take first left onto 5465 South

Take next left at 555 West

Continue to the park

We will be in the pavilion.

See you there!!

www.itsaboutlove.org

Call to Artists and Those who Love Art

2010-07-22T03:41:00.000-07:00

We are looking for art to put on display during our annual Families Supporting Adoption Conference this July 30th and 31st. We all have been touched by the miracle of adoption and know how bitter and sweet that journey is. This is an opportunity to share a piece of your journey with others.

Here are some ideas to get your creative juices flowing:

All types and mediums of art and crafting
Photography
Sculpture
Poetry
Paintings
Quilts made for birth parents from adoptive couples or quilts from birth families to children and adoptive couples
Children's depictions of adoption through drawings, painting, clay, etc.
Turn a photo into a coloring page and have children color or paint them (befunky offers this options as well as a bunch of other really cool options for photo editing.)

Deadline: July 30th

If you're planning on displaying some art please email Rebecca with a photo of the art work, and a little about it so that we can best prepare for your piece. However, you won't be turned away if you bring something the day of. Please remember that all art pieces must be appropriate for all audiences and are subject to refusal if inappropriate.

Children's art and other submissions can be dropped off before the conference starts on Friday, July 30th at 9 a.m. at the Registration Desk. Please include the artist's name and phone number on the back of the piece

Please email Rebecca at jrmstaley@filertel.com with any questions.

Come show your support for adoption

2010-06-25T10:05:00.000-07:00

Looking for something fun to do tomorrow morning?

Join us in walking in the West Fest Parade.

Come show your support for adoption.

We are making a wagon train to put the children in.

Bring your bikes, strollers or wagons.

Wear your adoption T-shirt (a yellow or white shirt) and sunscreen.

We will have balloons and streamers, bikes and wagons.

This is an activity for EVERYONE!

Bring your family, friends and neighbors.

The more the merrier.

Event: West Fest Parade

Date: Sat. June 26th

Time: 9:30 a.m.

Place: Meet at Shopko no later then 9:45 a.m. 4800 West 3500 South (we'll be the ones with all the yellow balloons and cutest kids)

www.itsaboutlove.org

How Foster Care Has Changed Our Lives

2010-06-18T12:14:00.000-07:00

Many of my followers know how we feel about Foster Care Adoptions!

By no means would I ever put down anyone that has adopted through a private agency, because you get YOUR baby the way it's meant to be. I truly believe we got our babies because we opened our minds and our hearts to the possibility of foster care. To do foster care you do have to have an open mind. The "worry" I hear the most is that these little foster kiddos that you have had in your family will end up going back to their biological family.

Truth is: a lot of them do go back.

Would that make you love them any less?

We were blessed in the fact that our first foster care situation ended up being an adoption. We were thrilled!! It's what we had wanted... Miss D is the best thing that had ever happened to us.

She was meant to be part of my family!!!

Some of you may be thinking, what the heck does she know about foster care if her first placement was an adoption?!? Believe it or not, I do know a little...

Our 2nd placement was a sweet little boy that did indeed end up going back to his biological family. I hate to call it "going back"... He was able to rejoin his biological family.

It was emotional. But we loved him like our own while he was in our home.

The reality of the foster care situation is this:

You are blessed to have these sweet children in your homes.

If they are able to rejoin their biological families, you should find comfort knowing that you did the most DIVINE form of service.

You kept a child safe while helping them rebuild their family.

They couldn't have done it without you!!!

These biological parents couldn't get their lives together if they didn't have a safe place for their child to call home while they rehabilitated.

YOU will be a miracle worker!

I guess I feel so strongly about foster care because I have seen the positive effects it has. I have friends that have been able to foster teenagers, and their lives are changed.

Our daughters Tummy Mommy was a foster child.

She was a foster child that waited.... She was a foster child that aged out of care.

Nobody adopted her. She felt unloved and unwanted.

Her birthmother was in prison, and she was very much alone.

How can people change themselves and their lives? How can they break the cycle of abuse if they don't have a role model to show them the way? How can they do any of that, if they don't know that they are loved and supported?

We are blessed to have been able to be a voice for these children when they were unable to be a voice for themselves.

We are also blessed because Tummy Mommy is almost like my foster child now. She calls me when she needs help or guidance... She didn't have that for a long time.

She has that now. No one helped her while she was growing up.

We won't let her fail now....

Written by Jennifer Larkin
Read more from Jennifer on her blog.

www.itsaboutlove.org

Families for All

2010-06-12T07:52:00.000-07:00

The National Council for Adoption and Walmart have teamed up to create "Families for All" to help children in foster care to find safe and loving permanent homes.

"At the end of 2006, there were 510,000 children living in foster care. Since 1999, the number of children in foster care waiting to be adopted has held steady at around 129,000, while the number of children entering the system has risen from approximately 290,000 to 310,000 annually. Nearly all children in foster care entered the system as a result of substantiated instances of abuse and neglect.
The need is great. Of the over one half million children in foster care in 2006, over more than 86,000 were living in group homes and institutions. Group homes and institutions provide only the basic necessities for those children for whom living with their biological families is not a safe option. They cannot in any way provide the same safe, enriching environment that a loving family can.
Equally upsetting is the fact that in 2006, a record 26,517 aged out of the foster care system, without the loving, permanent family that is every child’s birthright. This number breaks the previous record, set one year earlier, of 24,407 youths who aged out of the system. In 1998, the number who aged out was 17,310.
But you can help! Children in foster care may be of any age, from any racial, ethnic or cultural group, and may or may not be classified as having “special needs,” oftentimes meaning the child has a physical or mental handicap. Despite this diversity, all children in foster care have one thing in common: they all need foster families, adoptive families, advocates and mentors. Without such support, they are likely to slip through the cracks of society. Youths who aged out of the foster care system without a loving, permanent family exhibit higher rates of poverty, homelessness, criminal behavior, unemployment, teen pregnancy, and poor school performance.
For more information on what you can do to make a difference in the life of a child in foster care, please follow this link to “How Can I Help”.

www.itsaboutlove.org

National Adoption Conference 2010

2010-06-09T07:26:00.000-07:00

This year's FSA Conference "Together By Divine Design" will be held Friday, July 30th and Saturday, July 31st at the Davis Conference Center in Layton, UT. To register online, see the agenda and class topics, or to find out more about discounted lodging for the conference, click HERE.

National FSA is looking for art to put on display during the conference. All are invited to share their love for adoption through art, whether by craft, photography, sculpture, poem, or paintings. We encourage children's drawings to be submitted for a Children's Wall Display. Click HERE for more details.

They will also be gathering items for Birthmother Baskets and school supplies for The Christmas Box House as our Service project this year. Click HERE for more information.

Some of the classes last year included Openness in Adoption, Parenting, Transracial Adoption, Foster Care, Infertility, Finding, and Birthparent panels. Click HERE to watch classes from last year. Click HERE to read an article from the church news about the 2009 conference.

This is an event you won't want to miss!

www.itsaboutlove.org

You're Invited: Transracial Adoption Class

2010-06-06T19:10:00.001-07:00

Our next mini-class will be held Thursday, June 17 at 6:30 at LDS Family Services. Come hear our presenters discuss both challenges and blessings of transracial adoption, with a focus on how to be an effective parent through all stages of the child's life. Not sure about transracial adoption? Come find out more and get your questions answered from couples who love it.

www.itsaboutlove.org

Foster Care Mini-Class

2010-03-03T16:02:00.000-08:00

RIVERTON LOCATION:

View Larger Map

www.itsaboutlove.org

Adoption Options- Private Agency

2010-02-25T21:11:00.000-08:00

Our mini-class for January included several couples sharing their experiences adopting through different venues. It was great! Mark and Kattie shared the following about adopting their son through a private agency:

Adopting with a Private Adoption Agency

Why is it so much more expensive through a private agency?

Through LDS, the couple is only paying a portion of what the whole adoption process costs. It is an amazing program, and is possible through the church subsidizing the rest of the cost.

Private agencies have to charge the full cost of the adoption and services along with it. That is why there is such a difference in cost to the couple. Always research the agency you are going with, but most are not out to steal your money or deceive you. Our agency was very upfront about the costs, and we didn’t pay for anything (besides the home study) until we had our baby in our arms. I felt confident and secure with the people I worked with at our agency. We were able to say what costs we were not willing to pay for (medical) and then we were not shown to birth moms who needed medical paid for.

Each private agency has different costs, so call around and decide which one is the right fit for your family.

What does it look like to work with a Private Agency?

-Most of the paperwork is the same with any agency, and some private agencies will accept the home study done by LDS. We did a paper profile and they were sent to birthmoms who met our criteria.

-We were in contact with our agency caseworker every week and told how many birthmoms were looking at our profile and had questions answered.

-Each time our profile went out, we were notified.

-An agency caseworker traveled to the birth location and was present during all meetings between us and our son’s birth mom.

-We had monthly meetings to get to know other couples and get to know the agency caseworkers better.

-All money was paid at the time of placement, not before.

*In general, it has been a similar experience to working with LDS.

What is the wait with Private Agencies?

Our agency gave us a general idea of a timeline, but didn’t promise a certain time. From my experience, almost all couples with private agencies are matched in a year, and most before a year. We had approved in June and were matched at the end of September.

How can I afford a Private Adoption Agency?

When I first started calling around to different agencies I was surprised how much an adoption costs. I admit, at first, I thought ‘well there is no way we can do that’. But we found a way, because we felt strongly that is how we would bring our first child into our family. No one I have met has ever regretted the money spent on their child’s adoption.

www.itsaboutlove.org

10 Profile Tips To Reduce Your Wait

2010-02-18T06:47:00.000-08:00

Of course as adoptive families, we all want to know how to find our children, and find them as soon as possible. As my husband and I put our profile together for the second time, we still had to sort through what information we wanted to include. We felt like there were a million things we could say, but what would help us accurately portray our family and stand out? What are expectant parents hoping to see in a profile? Here are ten suggestions from Lori Holden at profilesthatgetpicked.com to help us find our families.

Inject humor. Include an amusing anecdote or funny photo that shows that humor is one way you deal with life. “They had a picture of the whole family wearing 3-D glasses and watching fireworks," recounts firstmother Kelly. “This family had a good time just being around each other.”
Show something unique. Have a horse? Show it. Bilingual? Write a few words in another language. You want to differentiate yourselves from the others in the stack. “The mother I chose proposed to her husband at an NFL football game on the big scoreboard,” says firstmother Jessica. “I liked her spirit!”
Find balance. Describe your life as full enough that you are not dependent on a baby to make it complete, yet not so full that you have no room for a child. Gwen reveals, “Both people had high-powered jobs and were involved in so many things that I just couldn’t see how they’d fit in another responsibility.”
Remove all hints of desperation. It’s as much a repellent to an expectant mother as it was to a potential spouse. If you can’t come by this honestly, you need more counseling before you embark on adoption. “I didn’t want my baby to be the one thing that saved these people from a life of misery,” explains Sarah, so I passed on them.”
Choose an agency based on your expectations for future contact. For example, if you state you want very little or no contact, you may be in for a long wait if your agency is known for open adoptions. “We went to an open adoption agency because we wanted SOME contact,” say firstparents Heather and Jason. “so we rejected a couple who wanted us to disappear after the birth.”
Accurately represent yourselves and avoid playing to your audience. One expectant mother might love dogs while another might be allergic. One might want the baby to be the couple’s first, while another might want siblings. To bring about the best match simply be truthful about who you are and what your lives are about.
Tinker. Advertisers know that tweaking just a word or an image can dramatically change results. If you’ve been waiting a while, make a minor change, like the stationery or the lead photo. “If your agency is having activity but your profile isn’t garnering interest, a semi-annual review with minor changes might help,” suggests Karen Bettis, Adoption Counselor at Lutheran Family Services.
Be just a bit quirky. For example, if you show a photo of your home, point to a bedroom window and add the caption “Baby’s room.” First parents look for reasons to come back to your profile. Our daughter’s firstmother, Crystal, laughs about this today: “I liked looking at your home. And I liked knowing you already had a room picked out. That caption made an impression.”
Be brutally honest with yourselves about your profile. Or better yet, have a trusted friend – someone less vested in the outcome – look over your masterpiece. Ask this person to be candid about the photos, letters and tone. Maybe you can’t see that Aunt Tillie looks awful in that family photo, but you need to know. “In one picture of a family picnic, they all had red eye,” explains firstmother Gwen. “I know it wasn’t real, but my impression was ‘how demonic!’”
Get exposure. Become an ambassador for your agency. Keep pregnancy counseling brochures in your car so you can post them at libraries and community centers (with permission). Your own doctor can be a resource to her patients who are pregnant but can’t parent – if she has brochures. And to stretch your geographic boundaries, post your profile online. An internet search on “adoption profiles” turns up a host of sites that match firstparents and adoptive families.

Lori writes about adoptive parenting at Weebles Wobblog, and is the Open Adoption Examiner. More about adoption profile makeovers can be found at ProfilesThatGetPicked.com.
www.itsaboutlove.org

First Contact with Potential Birth Parents

2010-02-13T08:41:00.000-08:00

~ Some helpful ideas for the first phone calls or emails ~

So many couples who are adopting have told me that the first phone call an expectant mother considering adoption makes to a couple is very nerve racking, but remember she is just as nervous as you are! I think it is a good idea to have a small notebook and pen near the phone that way you can jot down important things she says. Also, keep a list of questions in the notebook, that way if you are nervous, you won't be fumbling for words or what to ask. Show an interest in her well being as a person, not just the person who is possibly going to give you a child. On the first phone call, you don't want to ask too many questions or get to personal. Save those for another time.

Questions and things to say during the first phone call -

I'm so glad you called. How are you?

How are you feeling? Have you had a good pregnancy so far? Have you been getting prenatal care?

When are you due?

Is this your first child?

Tell me a little bit about yourself. Are you a student, do you work, live with parents, etc??

How old are you?

Where are you from? Have you lived there long?

What is your family like? Do you have brothers or sisters? Is your family supportive?

What about the father of your child - is he involved? What's he like?

Have you had a chance to talk to any professionals or others about your decision?

Do you have any thoughts on what kind of contact you would like after the baby is born?

Do you have any special requests on how you would like your child to be raised.

If the conversation goes well and you feel comfortable you could then ask her -

If she would like to meet before the baby is born

If she would like your attorney or agency's information

To send you (or the attorney or agency) proof of pregnancy

A few more tips -

Get a toll free number so pbmoms can contact you directly.

Keep in mind that a pbmom could call any time of the day or night.

Usually pbmoms will feel more comfortable talking to the female of the couple.

Be yourself and be honest and open.

Treat her with respect and know that she may be very confused and may know little about the adoption process.

Keep the conversation friendly.

If things go well, set up a time to speak again.

A few things NOT to do or say -

Do not pressure her to choose you or make a commitment before she is ready.

Do not patronize her.

Try to impress her with your achievements.

Do not say things that you think she wants to hear just so you can adopt her child.

Do not be too pushy or overbearing.

Do not pressure her for more information than she is willing to give you at the moment.

A lot of these same questions and tips will apply to communication via email. Email is a little "tricker" though. It is less personal and your questions may bombard her. On the phone, you can ask a question, talk about something else for a minute, then ask another question. In an email, your questions may look a little more threatening so you should probably limit the number of questions to about 3-5 an email. Try to write about something else in the email too so that it is not only the questions. Write about your life, what you did that day, etc - then ask your questions. Some hopeful adoptive moms communicate with pbmoms (after the initial email) via a messenger service such as yahoo or AIM. (These are both free and most people have them.) This might be an easier way to communicate via email if the pbmom seems reluctant to move to the phone.

So the next time your "adoption phone" rings, just relax!

Written by Coley at BirthMom Buds

www.itsaboutlove.org

You Are Never Alone

2010-02-01T16:13:00.000-08:00

Meet Mark and Kattie

2010-01-15T11:34:00.000-08:00

Mark and Kattie are currently serving on our FSA Board, keeping us all having fun at our chapter activities. They have an adorable, two year old boy named Will and are currently hoping to find their second child.

Mark is a Project Manager who loves the outdoors: hiking, snowmobiling, fishing, camping, backpacking. Kattie says, "He is an involved dad who enjoys getting down on Will's level to play with him. He also enjoys spending one-on-one time with Will, giving him baths and taking him on adventures."Kattie is a former kindergarten teacher turned into a stay at home mom who enjoys watching college basketball and eating Sweet Pork Salads from Costa Vida. Mark says, "There are many attributes Kattie has that contribute to her being a great mother. Kattie is very patient with Will and always concerned for his welfare. I enjoy watching her as a mom, she is creative with activities to help Will learn and grow. Her ability to connect with children is part of what attracted me to Kattie." Together, they love to have fun and to tease each other, and like to take "Scooter dates". They've been to Disneyland three times since they were married and have also been to Yellowstone, Zions, Moab, and Arches National Park."We desire our children to have many opportunities to develop their talents and to learn to serve others. Our faith is an important part of our lifes. Our religion provides many opportunities to enjoy serving others and develop our talents. We will encourage our children to participate in sports, music, and other activities. We know the benefit of giving children opportunities to discover their interests and talents. We like to have fun together at home and during family vacations." Get to know more about Mark and Kattie here!

www.itsaboutlove.org

The Blessing of Infertility

2010-01-11T11:44:00.000-08:00

Infertility was an answer to my prayers.

No. I am not kidding or being sarcastic. Throughout this last year, I realized infertility blessed me in ways, I had not expected.

The other night I started thinking about how much I now treasure my days. I thought about; all the many pictures I take, all the times I spend holding her while she is sleeping, even though I have other things needing to get done, about when I wake up just to watch her sleep, and I am relieved to see I did not have any regrets about how I spend my days now.

This realization was a great comfort to me. About 5 years ago when we started talking about having a family, I was terrified. The thought of being responsible for another life, the realization of the responsibility was overwhelming. Of course babies are fun and cute, but babies grow to be children and children grow to be teenagers and teenagers grow to be adults. And that seems like a lot. Could I really do it? Was I ready to do it? Honestly, I was terrified.

I was scared that I would not be able to deal with all the stress. The last thing I ever wanted to do was to cause our children unnecessary hurt. These feelings were very real to me, and my husband was trying to be helpful and understanding, but he didn't have the answers. I prayed and I fasted about this, I needed to know that I could be a good mother that I was ready, but the fears weren’t going away. So intense was this fear of being a parent that I went into therapy to deal with it. (This was before we really started "trying", when we were just talking about starting our family.)

I am so grateful that I took that step. My husband, Karsten, was skeptical at first but once he realized I was talking someone elses ear off about my fears, and learning how to deal with it, he was relieved. It wasn't anything drastic or earth moving, I just dealt with the reasons for the fears and the issues and slowly I realized I really wanted the opportunity to be a parent. With the Lord’s help I came to realize I had a deep desire to become a parent. I was ready to be a mom.

Then if you fast-forward three years, when we got the official word that having biological children would not be possible and we were facing at our decisions. It would have been easy at that point to just say okay, well it's a sign we shouldn't be parents. If I still had those fears, it could have happened, but by that time I had the desire to be a mother to children to take on all that responsibility.

As I was pondering the last year, I marveled at how amazing Charlee is, and what an honor it is to be her mom, to be chosen to be her mom. Tears over took me and I knew for me personally that if I didn't have the trial of infertility I would not treasure these moments the same. I would have taken being a mother for granted, I would be a different mother, I might still have my doubts about being a mother.

I came to know for me, that infertility, was an answer to my earlier prayer; wanting to know that I was ready and able to be a mother. It was an answer because it made me work harder and seek out ways to have children. Adopting a child does not take away the hurt of infertility, it doesn’t cure it, and it is not the fix. Adoption brought about understanding for me why I needed infertility in my life. And with understanding the burden has become lighter.

I am not saying that infertile mothers are better or worse, I don't know how you could compare the two. These are my feelings, about my experience. I am saying for me I needed more time to really prepare, I needed to fight and work hard to get my family so it wasn't something I took lightly. My infertility forced me work through my fears and doubts about being a parent, and without it, I do not know if I would have realized how much I wanted to be a mother.

Another great blessing of infertility is it made me turn to my Heavenly Father more. It made me lean on him and to exercise my faith. It allowed me to see his hand in my life and to feel of his unconditional love for our family and Charlee's birth family. My testimony of Heavenly Fathers unconditional love for His children has grown.

The bitterness of infertility is horrible, sometimes almost unbearable. And now at the same time that has made the sweetness of being a mother better then I could have dreamed.

"The Lord compensates the faithful for every loss. That which is taken away from those who love the Lord will be added unto them in His own way. While it may not come at the time we desire, the faithful will know that every tear today will eventually be returned a hundredfold with tears of rejoicing and gratitude."

Joseph B. Wirthlin, “Come What May, and Love It,” Ensign, Nov 2008, 26–28

Used with permission from the author, Kim Hatch.
www.itsaboutlove.org

Other Adoption Options Mini-Class

2010-01-07T08:59:00.001-08:00

Please join us at 6:30 PM on January 21, 2010 at West Valley LDS Family Services for a night of exploring other adoption options. A few couples will present their experiences adopting through different venues and, through their stories, will share helpful information about making the right choice for our families among all of our options. See you there!

www.itsaboutlove.org

Sinner or Saint- A Birthmom's Perspective

2009-11-24T09:42:00.000-08:00

"It seems like when society is thinking about birthmothers we often fit into one of two categories. We are either a sinner or a saint.

Some of us are viewed as sinners because we were unwed at the time we unexpectedly became pregnant so we committed what many view as a “sin” by getting pregnant. We are sinners because we shamed our families by getting pregnant. We are sinners because we did the unthinkable and “gave our babies away.” Some of you may be thinking that people don’t think that sort of thing in this day and age and granted that line of thinking probably isn’t as near as common as it once was, some people still do think that way.

Then there is the flip side of the coin. There are those who view me as a “saint,” an “angel,” or whatever similar word of their choosing. They say how happy I made Charlie’s adoptive family, what a blessing it is for me to be in their (Charlie’s family) lives, etc. They also tell me that I am brave and courageous. Yes it is true, that making an adoption plan for Charlie made his family happy but that wasn’t why I made an adoption plan. I also didn’t make an adoption plan in order to be angelic or saintly and most days I don’t feel very brave or courageous. I did it because it was what I felt was the best decision for Charlie and all involved at that time in my life.

Where do I view myself on the sinner or saint issue? I’m neither. I’m just a girl and a Mother who made some mistakes (not Charlie, but the acts that led up to his conception) and then did what she felt was best for both of her children."

Written by Coley from Birthmom Buds

www.itsaboutlove.org

Adoption Walk Saturday

2009-11-04T12:49:00.001-08:00

www.itsaboutlove.org

Help for Adoption Tax Credits

2009-11-04T08:55:00.000-08:00

Help Make the Current Federal Adoption Credit Permanent by Writing to your Representative

Here is how:

1. Find the name and Washington, D.C. mailing address of your Representative and Senators at www.congress.org. To find e-mail addresses, click through to the Senator’s or Congressperson’s Web site.

2. Next, log on to http://thomas.loc.gov/ to find out whether your Congresspersons are already co-sponsors of the legislation. On the thomas.loc.gov opening page, under “Search Bill Summary and Status,” search by bill number for H.R. 213. Then click on “Bill summary and Status.” On the page that comes up, click on “Cosponsors,” “Text of Legislation,” or “All Congressional Actions” to follow the progress of the bill.

3. If your representatives have not signed on as co-sponsors of the bill, send them your request that they do so. Tell them how important the tax credit was to you when you adopted your children, or how much you and other families you know are counting on it to be available in the future.

Act today, your efforts make a difference.

Even, if your Congressperson is already a co-sponsor, please pass this on to your friends and family,

asking them to contact their congressperson, because this will effect EVERYONE adopting after 2011!!

The Details:

Families Supporting Adoption

A CALL TO ACTION

RAISE YOUR VOICE TO ENSURE THE ADOPTION TAX CREDIT REMAINS PERMANENT

Private and independent domestic adoptions can cost anywhere from $5,000 to $40,000, and expenses for intercountry adoptions generally total between $7,000 and $40,000. Domestic adoptions out of foster care are typically much less expensive, usually costing the adoptive parent $2,500 or less.

Congress introduced the Adoption Promotion and Stability Act in 1996 to “help families defray adoption costs.”

Unfortunately, while the Economic Growth and Tax Relief Reconciliation Act (EGTRRA) made the adoption tax credit permanent, the provisions which raised the amount that adoptive families can claim and increased the income eligibility phase-out range will sunset on December 31, 2010. Thus, beginning in 2011, the amount adoptive parents will be able to claim under the adoption tax credit will revert to the pre-EGTRRA levels of $6,000 per special needs child and $5,000 per non-special needs child. Additionally, adoptive families reporting $75,000-$115,000 in annual adjusted gross income will again be restricted in the amount they can claim, and those reporting more than $115,000 in annual adjusted gross income will again be prohibited from claiming the tax credit at all. Several bills have been introduced in Congress to repeal the sunset and make the EGTRRA reforms of the adoption tax credit permanent.

At the center of this debate is a recent Treasury Report which found that parents who adopted children internationally account for a disproportionately large number of adoption tax credit recipients, while parents who adopted children from foster care represent a disproportionately small number. More specifically, international adoptions accounted for 34 percent of all adoptions supported by the tax credit despite making up only 15 percent of all adoptions in the United States, while domestic adoptions out of foster care made up 18 percent of adoptions supported by the tax credit despite making up nearly 40 percent of all adoptions in the United States. This finding has led some to claim that the adoption tax credit is not fulfilling a primary goal of promoting domestic adoptions out of foster care. Some advocates have suggested that the federal government should therefore eliminate the adoption tax credit and redistribute the funds saved to other pro-adoption programs.

The Adoption Promotion and Stability Act of 1996 had two purposes, first among which was “to defray adoption costs for families seeking to adopt” by establishing the adoption tax credit. The bill made no distinction between adoptions out of foster care and any other type of adoption.

Increasing subsidies to adoptive parents has been one of the most effective ways of boosting the adoption rate.

Most importantly, the EGTRRA provisions to the adoption tax credit due to expire in 2011 should be made permanent.

For 2009, the maximum adoption credit has increased to $12,150. This amount is phased out if your modified adjusted gross income is between $182,180 and $222,180. You cannot claim the credit or exclusion if your modified AGI is $222,180 or more.

For information on Special Needs Adoption Tax Credit for 2009 go to www.nacac.org/postadopt/taxcredit.html.

To take the credit or exclusion, complete Form 8839 (PDF), Qualified Adoption Expenses, and attach the form to your Form 1040 (PDF) or Form 1040A (PDF).

See irs.gov (topic 607 adoption credit)

“The Adoption Tax Relief Guarantee Act of 2009, H.R. 213.” Written to repeal the sunset of the Economic Growth and Tax Relief Reconciliation Act of 2001 with respect to the expansion of the adoption credit and adoption assistance programs. This legislation will make the tax credit permanent. Unless legislation is passed, the Federal adoption tax credit that allows many adopting families to take a credit of up to $12,150 (2009) is scheduled to expire in December 2010. (For information on other legislation involving adoption go to adoptioncouncil.org/policy/fed_leg.html.)

Help Make the Current Federal Adoption Credit Permanent by Writing to your Representative

Here is how:

Act today, your efforts make a difference.

www.itsaboutlove.org

The Ants Go Marching

2009-10-06T07:31:00.000-07:00

What more could we ask for than a playground, a fishing booth, good food, and great company? Our annual picnic was wonderful!

Where to start? It depends on your ticket. We had a progressive dinner starting at a certain table and then continuing on to others for vegetables and chips, salads, hamburger and hot dogs, and dessert.

Overseeing the hamburgers and hotdogs.

Enjoying our meal and getting to know each other.

Thanks for coming and building our support team! It was great to see everyone!

www.itsaboutlove.org

Mini Class - Writing Birth Parent Letter

2009-10-05T15:08:00.000-07:00

In September we had a Mini-Class about writing the scary Birthparent Letter. Ann, an adoptive mother to two beautiful girls, taught the class. There was a lot of information given. Here are a few of the suggestions and ideas she shared.

Ideas about writing the birthparent letter:

Be You. What makes you unique and fun? What is most important in your lives? But be sensitive about religious stuff. Be honest and consistent in ALL your adoption stuff.

But DO spell check and proofread! Have several people read it and offer comments.

Shorter generally is better, in this day and age. You can add more details about your lives in the phone caption part. Do add LOTS of details in your captions, make sure pictures are fun and cheery.

DO talk about why you are adopting. A short “infertility story” is not bad. Birthparents usually just want to know the basics – no gory stories. Usually best near the beginning

Talk about why you want to be parents/ what your parenting ideas are. If true, talk about how your families would welcome this little one. You can also talk about how education (of the fall deer hunt, or Christmas cookie making) is important in your family and you can’t wait to show your baby how to do sprinkles, etc. Also importation to mention hobbies, talents, things the family does now (0r in the future) together. Do you want to go to Disneyland every year? Your future birth mom might be a Disney fanatic.

Your education and careers should get a mention. In this day and age, it can be nice to see that you are in a secure place and their child will always be taken care of.

Mention once or twice that you are happy together. How long have you been married? What do you like to do together?

NEVER LIE – about anything anywhere.

Tell them about the level of open-ness you are interested in. You can almost always get MORE involved, so if you have to say something way “We are interested in discussing the openness of this adoption.” (Remember it will break a birth mom’s heart to have parents promise pictures each week and get nothing for months). Do NOT lie or promise things you will not be able to do, or want to do.

Look at it from her perspective. She wants to give her CHILD a gift of YOU (stable family, etc). She is NOT giving you (practical strangers) a gift. Help her see how you will love and care for her precious child.

Do personalize each letter – depending on who might read it (itsaboutlove vs. parentprofiles).

Read other letters and see what other couples are saying. This can help you get some ideas about how to present yourselves.

Make sure pictures are GREAT. If at all possible, hire a friend/family member to take some more formal shots and some playful shots. Add in some pictures you have taken of events you have done, places you have gone, to show how much fun you are. Crop as much as possible – some computers screens are tiny.

Annual Picnic

2009-09-09T08:06:00.000-07:00

Just when you were thinking all your summer fun was over, we are having our annual picnic next Friday, here are the details. We can't wait to see you there.

Annual West Valley FSA Picnic

When: Friday September 11 2009 6:30 p.m.

Where: Germania Park

5243 S Murray Parkway Ave (1070 W) On the Jordan River Parkway

We will be eating Hamburgers, Hotdogs, Salads, Chips and Deserts.

There is a playground there for the kids, we will also have fishing pond for them.

A drawing will also be held for fabulous prizes.

See you there!!

www.itsaboutlove.org

FSA Conference 2009

2009-08-10T04:00:00.000-07:00

If you made it to the Annual FSA Conference, then you know how wonderful and fun it was, if you did not make it, here is a little of what you missed, from Troy Dunn, the Keynote Speaker.

"My mom introduced the beautiful concept of adoption in a very simple manner," Brother Dunn said. "She said, 'There is something that is called prayer trading, and we're going to trade prayers with somebody. Somewhere out there is a girl praying for a good family for her baby. We are going to pray for a good tummy with a baby in it, and we are going to answer each others' prayers.' "

This is a link to the church news article about the conference. Celebrating adoption - 'Letting love lead' Annual conference strengthens all involved in the adoption process By Marianne Holman

We have gone for the last 3 years and it is always uplifting, motivating and inspirational. This year was no exception and with birthparents invited to attend both days, it was a very rewarding and educational experience.

There was some classes for FSA board members, which gave us new ideas and new energy for our chapter. A couple of the well attended classes were Openness in Adoption, Parenting, Transracial Adoption, Foster Care, Infertility, Finding, and Birthparent panels. We were reminded why we love adoption and why adoption needs our voice to grow.

And then there is the social part, seeing old friends, meeting new friends and talking about adoption for 2 days straight. It was great to see all of you that were able to make it, and we missed those who could not go, but do not worry there will be another one next year, the first weekend of August, so go mark your calendars, hurry.

National Conference Information

2009-07-07T22:59:00.000-07:00

CONFERENCE BASICS

July 31, 2009 to August 1, 2009

The conference will be held for a second time at the Davis Conference Center.

SCHEDULE

Below is the schedule overview at-a-glance. For a more detailed description of the classes including the class descriptions, times and locations as well as bios on the presenters, click HERE.

Friday, July 31st

Registration	9:00-9:30
Breakout session 1	9:30-10:30
Breakout session 2	10:40-11:40
Lunch on your own	11:40-1:10
Breakout session 3	1:15-2:15
Breakout session 4	2:25-3:25
Breakout session 5	3:35-4:35

Awards Banquet	5:30-7:00
(Semi-formal dress)

Saturday, August 1st	8:00-9:00

Registration	9:00-9:30
Keynote address by Troy Dunn	9:30-10:30
Birth Parent Panel	10:45-12:00
Lunch	12:00-1:00
Breakout session 1	1:00-2:00
Breakout session 2	2:10-3:10
Breakout session 3	3:20-4:20
Closing session and raffle	4:30-4:45

REGISTRATION

To register, CLICK HERE.

This is for registration and payment purposes only. Please disregard any information related to Temple Square events.

Some clarification for registration:

Couples are $60 each, so they only need to register for ONE ticket. This is located toward the bottom of the registration, and is not part of the special code. Once they select one ticket and click continue, it will ask if they will be coming both day, ($60), one of them both days/both of them one day ($30) or one of them on day ($15). Sorry for any confusion. Please email us at the email address below if you have any problems.

Adoptive parents and hopeful adoptive parents are invited.

We also are inviting expectant parents, birth parents, and their families again this year. A great amount of effort has gone into planning breakout sessions for them. Expectant parents and birth families may register for free by typing in “itsaboutlove” in the special code field on the registration form. Regular fees apply to their guests.

HOTEL ACCOMMODATIONS

A few hotel rooms at the Hilton Garden Inn (762 West Heritage Park Blvd, Layton, Utah, 84041) are blocked out for a discounted event rate. You may reserve a room by phone or through the hotel’s Web site. Call 801-416-8899 and make sure to mention the group code, which is “LDS” and the group name, which is “LDS Family Services.” You may also register online here. In the group code field, enter “LDS.” In order to get the discounted rate of $89, you must be registering for the blocked date (July 31^st). We will be posting other hotel options when the hotel is full.

CHILDREN'S ROOM

A children’s room will be available again during the conference and banquet. Please email Narda Emmett (imaemett@yahoo.com) to register your children. The cost will be $10 per day, per child. She will provide you with the details.

AIRPORT SHUTTLE

From the airport Express Shuttle - 801-596-1600.

QUESTIONS?

If you have general questions, please email contactus@ldsfamilyservices.org with “National Conference” as the subject.

Article: "Old Think vs. New Think"

2009-06-28T19:32:00.000-07:00

Photo courtesy of Diana, Flickr.

From the Adoption Option Committee, Inc.

Old Think vs. New Think

*The OLD think is in BLUE.

If I find myself unexpectedly pregnant, abortion and single parenting are my only choices.

There is a third choice, one that has proven to be a success for birth mothers and children–the adoption option.

I would never consider adoption–it would be too hard.

Which ever choice you make will present many hardships–adoption may be no more difficult than abortion or single parenting.

My friends and family will think I'm terrible giving up my own flesh and blood.

Adoption is not "giving up," it is giving to–a decision you have carefully made out of love for the future of your child and yourself.

I'll never know what happened to my baby. I simply couldn't live that way.

The old way of doing adoptions (secrecy and no control) is out. The new way–open adoption–allows you to make the decisions regarding the future of your child and yourself.

Why adoption? Isn't it just for people who can't have their own kids?

Not necessarily true. Yes, some people cannot biologically conceive, but adoption provides a family for a child, not a child for a family.

Kids who are adopted have lots of problems.

Not founded in fact. Refer to the Search Institute Study. Children who are adopted have, among other characteristics, high self-esteem and positive identity concerns at rates as high or higher than their peers.

What about me? I feel it's my responsibility to raise my child.

Your responsibility is to make the very best and informed decision that you can for your child. Studies show that birth mothers who make an adoption plan typically move on with their life, finish their education, have a career, and eventually marry.

Article: "My Decision"

2009-06-07T20:38:00.000-07:00

My Decision

Ensign, august 1991, 28

As the days went on, I knew in my heart what the Lord wanted me to do. I knew that I must place my child for adoption. But I tried to deny it, desperately seeking other options. For eight months I had carried this baby. I felt his movements. I heard his heartbeat. I felt that special bond of love that any mother feels for her baby. My eyes ached to see him, and my arms ached to hold him. He was part of me! How could I give him away?

We are very grateful for the loving sacrifice that birth mothers make.
We are praying for you.

The Renovation is complete

2009-06-02T19:26:00.000-07:00

It's Official

It's Launched

It's Live

It's Stunning

and it's for you:

itsaboutlove.org

Article: "But What Was Best for the Baby?"

2009-05-24T23:43:00.000-07:00

image courtesy of flickr.

"But What Was Best for the Baby?"

At this point my own feelings were tender. How could I go through the months ahead at the side of my daughter, watch her give birth, and then not bring a baby home? However, the counselor explained that placing a baby through adoption meant giving a baby a home where it could receive all the blessings that we could not provide at this time, including being sealed to a worthy couple. But in my heart I could not accept this at that time. After all, the baby was my first grandchild. How could I allow this baby—my posterity—to go to another home? I was sure the Lord would bless our efforts if we sacrificed and did our very best to raise this child. Yes, there would be years of struggle, but I hoped that the day would come when my daughter would marry a worthy young man and be sealed to her child in the temple.

Why I do School Outreach

2009-05-22T12:54:00.000-07:00

by Kim Hatch (FSA Co-Chair)

I just got home from doing another School Outreach Adoption Presentation. The Utah Adoption Council puts this presentation together, and volunteers from our FSA, presents thisin classrooms at the local Jr. High's and High Schools.

Whenever I do a presentation, I feel empowered. I feel like I am making a difference in the adoption world and I feel like I speaking out. Initially, when we were approved, we were learning about FSA, I wanted to do School Outreach, but I was terrified. I am on the shy side and I did not feel I knew enough about adoption, because we had not actually adopted. However, once I found the courage and started to do the presentations, I quickly realized I already had what I needed; a passion for the cause. So when I did the presentations, I used the prepared slide show and I told my friends adoption stories. I should have started earlier because it did help me.

Once I realized those kids were there and had to listen and I got to talk about adoption for an hour, I was in heaven. Remember when you started learning about adoption, and all that excitement about what you were learning, you want to share this with friends and family and anyone you can find, but you quickly learned after about 10 minutes their eyes usually glaze over and they are nodding their head. So you didn't always share as much as you wanted. Doing school outreach fixes this probelem.

Well when you do an Adoption Presentation you get to talk adoption for an hour. You get a chance to talk about the myths about birth parents, you get to teach them about proper adoption language, and you get to give them the facts with the numbers.

Then because you get more familiar with this information because of the presentation, you find you are incorporating it into your daily conversations about adoption. Things like:

70% of birth mothers who place their children for adoption get married,as opposed to only 50% who parent get married.
That teen marriages are 3 times more likely to end in divorce.
Less then 1% of unplanned pregnancies, with unmarried women will place their child for adoption.
That 44% of unmarried mothers are on food stamps.

I love sharing this information and teaching people and watching their eyes light up. See empowering isn't it?

So honestly the reasons I do the School Outreach are selfish, because of what I get out of it, but when you learn that the average high school in Salt Lake County has 20 girls a year pregnant, you realize this is important to our cause and that we need to get them correct information. What is even better is when you learn that potential birth parents have gone to an agency because of what she learned in a presentation, you do realize that those few hours you spent talking to those kids did pay off.

The reality is, with 1 in 6 homes in Utah affected by adoption they are going to hear about it, from friends and classmates, also how it is portrayed on television is not always a reality. Do we not have a responsibility to make sure they are getting accurate information?

That they know the differences between, Open, Semi-Closed and Closed adoption?
That they understand there is help and answers out there and they don't have to figure it out for themselves?
That they can find the family they want to place their baby with?
That there are many decisions for them to make that will affect them and their unborn child forever?

If you are waiting/finding phase, how great that you have the chance to talk to potential birth parents?

I am sad to say; I just learned that because of our lack of volunteers, not all of the schools that wanted a presentation got them. So we nee YOU, to help make a difference and to keep our foot in the doors we have opened, so we can continue to share the truth and blessings of adoption.

Please, let us know if you are interested in doing presentations, even if you want to see a few before you decide that is fine also. The time you spend on outreach be repaid in more ways then you can count.

Poem: "A Piece of My Heart"

2009-05-10T08:46:00.000-07:00

A Piece of My Heart
by Joniece Loya, a birthmother
This poem was included in a Mother's Day card for the adoptive family that she placed with.

The thing I love most in the world, is something that's inside.
It's the type of love that shows through tears, one simply cannot hide.
God blessed me with this miracle in me, and at first I was confused
But then He whispered to my heart, the strong love that must be used.

He asked me to bless a family, with my love, my joy and pride.
And do His will that shall be done, and to set myself aside.
I have a responsibility with this miracle, a duty I freely accept
To do what's best for my little blessing, and do it with no regret.

I prayed to the Lord to lead my way, and show me what to do
and He answered my prayers exactly, when I received some words from you.
I am reassured my little blessing, will receive more love than he knows
With your hugs and kisses, my thoughts and prayers following him as he grows.

God blessed me with my miracle for me to share with you
And let you experience the joy and love, that I already feel too.
I know God has chosen you, as He also has chosen me
To be a mother for my blessing, because He knows what kind you'll be.

I knew it was supposed to be you, even 1,481 miles apart
And that's why I choose to give you, a piece of me and my heart.
I know he'll remember his life, with lots of smiles, joy and love
And that's why he was sent to us, our little miracle from above.

Have a wonderful Birth Mother's Day and Mother's Day!

Birth Parent Gift Idea: Custom Puzzles

2009-05-05T07:39:00.000-07:00

You know that picture you just love? Have a
puzzle made. They will love putting the puzzle
together and having it be a fabulous picture of the
child. It is something they will enjoy doing over
and over again.

Great Gift Idea for: Anytime
Appropriate for: Birthmother or Birthfather

Article: "Not of My Blood, but of My Heart"

2009-05-03T07:35:00.000-07:00

Not of My Blood, but of My Heart

Here is the part that had me all choked up:

Those who have adopted know the feeling of apprehensive eagerness present at that first meeting. Is this child you want so badly really right for you? Will it work?

Ray was in front of me and saw the baby first. I heard him suck in his breath. Then I saw her. The recognition of us was in her eyes. Yes, this was our baby. That special witness burned within us, telling us that this child was ours.

As we watched her and played with her during that first meeting, we knew she was very delayed developmentally. At the age when most children are learning to walk, this baby could barely roll to one side. Eleven months old, she had just learned to hold up her head, a skill babies usually develop at six weeks. She could sit with support, but her spine curved. Her muscles were the consistency of marshmallows. There was no joint stability at all. When I gently pulled her hand, I had the feeling that her wrist and elbow would stretch forever.

We didn’t care. Ray placed the teething ring in her hand and closed her fingers over it.

Molly gave us permission to take the baby home with us. As I wrapped her in a quilt, I cried with joy and love. I had that sweet, comforting feeling within that despite everything, all would be well. We decided to name her Emma Rae.

Article: "Adoption and the Unwed Mother"

2009-04-26T06:49:00.000-07:00

Adoption and the Unwed Mother

“Every effort should be made in helping those who conceive out of wedlock to establish an eternal family relationship. When the probability of a successful marriage is unlikely, unwed parents should be encouraged to place the child for adoption, preferably through LDS [Family] Services” (“Policies and Announcements,” Ensign, Apr. 1999, 80).

“Marriage is the more honorable thing. This means facing up to responsibility. It means giving the child a name, with parents who together can nurture, protect, and love.

“When marriage is not possible, experience has shown that adoption, difficult though this may be for the young mother, may afford a greater opportunity for the child to live a life of happiness. Wise and experienced professional counselors and prayerful bishops can assist in these circumstances.”President Gordon B. Hinckley, “Save the Children,” Ensign, Nov. 1994, 53.

Did you go to last years BBQ?

2009-04-23T20:35:00.000-07:00

Remember this? It was last years summer BBQ, it was lots of fun and Kim Orlandini was there to get pictures of couples and families. Do you want your picture? Email Kim she will send them to you, and you can use them on your new profile, blog or even passalong cards!! kimsueellen[at]gmail[dot]com

www.itsaboutlove.org

Birth Parent Gift Idea: Create a Tradition

2009-04-22T07:53:00.000-07:00

Start a yearly tradition just for the birth parents.
Whether it be a handmade ornament for Christmas,
sugar cookies every Valentine’s Day, flowers on
their birthday, or an annual trip to the zoo, you
can be creative and make it your very own special
tradition. Something they will always look
forward to.

Great Gift Idea for: Anytime
Appropriate for: Birthmother or Birthfather

Article: "Could I Let My Baby Go?"

2009-04-19T08:30:00.000-07:00

photo courtesy of my girl, zenhe.

Could I Let My Baby Go?

Despite the support I was given, I was scared and unsure about my future. One day I talked to my sister about my situation. She could sense my confusion, and she told me something that changed my perspective. Her humbling words were: “Children have the right to be born to parents who can provide love, shelter, and food. But most of all, they have the right to a mother and a father to love them. A basic eternal family unit is a child’s right. But you need to pray to know what you should do.”

(That is true love.)

At times it felt as though the forces of the adversary were working overtime to prevent the adoption from taking place. It seemed the last thing Satan wanted was for another child to be sealed to a family in the temple. But the harder Satan worked, the harder I tried to grow close to the Lord, and the closer I grew to the Lord, the stronger I became.

I learned that the impossible is in fact possible if one turns to the Lord for help. I had done what our Father in Heaven wanted me to do. I was so grateful for Austin; his strong spirit helped me through many long months. I helped give him life, but he helped give me a second chance at life.

Article: "None Were with Him"

2009-04-12T06:57:00.000-07:00

"One of the great consolations of this Easter season is that because Jesus walked such a long, lonely path utterly alone, we do not have to do so.

"Trumpeted from the summit of Calvary is the truth that we will never be left alone nor unaided, even if sometimes we may feel that we are. Truly the Redeemer of us all said, “I will not leave you comfortless. [My Father and] I will come to you [and abide with you].

"As we approach this holy week—Passover Thursday with its Paschal Lamb, atoning Friday with its cross, Resurrection Sunday with its empty tomb—may we declare ourselves to be more fully disciples of the Lord Jesus Christ, not in word only and not only in the flush of comfortable times but in deed and in courage and in faith, including when the path is lonely and when our cross is difficult to bear. This Easter week and always, may we stand by Jesus Christ “at all times and in all things, and in all places that [we] may be in, even until death,” for surely that is how He stood by us when it was unto death and when He had to stand entirely and utterly alone."

~Elder Jeffrey R. Holland, None Were with Him

Happy Easter.

Poem: "Left Unspoken"

2009-04-05T12:57:00.000-07:00

This is Love

by Kris Kroeker 2005, Dedicated to my child's birthmom

I know you love me
You loved me from the start
I know that you want the best for me
I know this because you made a plan for me
A plan so I would grow up with my mom and dad
A mom and dad you knew would love me as much as you do
I know it tore your heart apart to make this plan for me
I know it hurt when you put me first
I know that you feel the pain of empty arms
I know that my pictures are spread across your walls to try and fill the hole

You need to know that I was hurting too
I felt the loneliness
I felt the emptiness when my new parents held me
When you were gone
When I couldn't hear your familiar voice
I was too little to put it into words, but I cried out for you
I wanted YOU to hold me
I wanted to hear YOUR voice
But it didn't work that way
Life gave me hurt and loneliness
But you knew that your plan was good
And that your love was bigger than the pain
It would have been so easy for you to hold me tight and never let me go
But you were too strong for that
You knew what your love would do
You knew the pain would heal
You knew I needed my mom and dad
And you knew they needed me
You knew I would be loved
And that when love is shared it grows
I know that love
I feel it every day
Every time my mom picks me up and holds me
Every time my dad laughs at some little thing I do
When they wake me up to squeeze me in the morning
And when they put me down in bed for night
I know that I am loved

This is love
You died inside when you showed your love
You sacrificed your world for me
I will always remember what you gave
You gave me life
You gave me my parents
You gave me love

This is love

This poem was included in a beautiful book a birth mother made for her son on his first birthday.

UFCF's Chalk Art Festival: Volunteers Needed

2009-03-31T13:32:00.000-07:00

Every year the Utah Foster Care Foundation hosts the annual Chalk Art Festival to benefit children in foster care throughout the state of Utah. The Chalk Art Festival attracts thousands of visitors and artists from around the state and even the country.

The Festival helps the Utah Foster Care Foundation in creating awareness of foster care in Utah as well as the foundation's outreach programs. These outreach programs aid in finding temporary and permanent homes for children in foster care.

Here are some of the highlights from last year:

Being an artist at the Utah Foster Care Foundation's 7th annual Chalk Art Festival is about so much more than just drawing beautiful murals on the streets of The Gateway and winning awards. It's about supporting Utah's children in foster care.

Volunteers and artists are needed for this year's Festival.
June 19-20th at The Gateway in Salt Lake City.

Click here for more information and to register as an artist or volunteer.

Meet the Adoption Team

2009-03-29T23:17:00.000-07:00

Thursday night we had a great activity. It was a chance for all of our couples to meet all of the adoption team, social workers, supervisors secretaries, and other couples. (The thing we forgot was a camera to capture the moment.)

This was a fun, successful night, with delicious food. We had teriyaki chicken skewers, fruit and cheese kabobs, with cookies and brownies.

We also had a huge display of finding ideas, from yard sales to t-shirts and a hand out for even more ideas. Along with this there was examples of pass along cards, and profiles. There were so many great ideas to help us in the finding stage of our adoptions.

We had information about Church Outreach, School Outreach and FSA with an opportunity to sign up to help out with these causes.

It was set up in a mingle fashion with a chance for all the social workers to meet all of the different couples.

It was great to talk with different couples that are in different stages of their adoption journey, to make new friendships and to catch up on old ones. As an adoptive couple, talking to others is always a great strength.

Thanks everyone who came and made it successful, we look forward to doing this again. If you were there leave a comment on what you liked and if you have any suggestions on how we can make the next one as successful, we'd love to hear from you.

Article: "Left Unspoken"

2009-03-22T17:17:00.000-07:00

Recently, I emailed Skye Hardwick, the author of Left Unspoken, to ask her for permission to highlight this incredibly thought-provoking look from a birth mother's perspective. She granted it.

Left Unspoken
by Skye Hardwick, Columnist for Adoption Today Magazine, creator of Lifemothers, and Contributing Author for Adoption.org.

Please read the full article.
Here are two of the most poignant parts

I found a letter from you today in the mailbox. You have sent me another batch of pictures along with a beautifully written letter. You are sure to update me on our daughter's latest milestones. I smile bitter sweetly. At the closing of your letter, you write, "Thank you for the gift of Jenny...". For some reason, my eyes keep coming back to the word "gift". Puzzled, I go inside and sit plop down on my couch. "...gift...."

Left unspoken: Please understand, back when I was due any day, I did not clutch my swollen belly with great heartache thinking of how I was going to present such a wonderful gift to a childless couple. Do you not see? You are the gift. I gave you as the gift to my child.

and

Left unspoken: Please understand, once and for all, I did not place my child because I could not change a diaper, nor did I place her because you could. For the record, I can change a diaper--even the stinky ones. Like you, I can wake up with morning's first light. I can tenderly kiss boo-boos and although money is tight, I could also obtain clothing. I did not place my child with you because I wanted you to become the "real" mother ...but the only parent.

I placed her with you because you could give her what I could not, at that given time. I could give her shelter, but I could not give her direction. I was still struggling to find my own way. I could give her hugs, but I could not give her proper discipline. I am still trying to find order in my own life. I could give her love, oh, I could give her love ...but I could not give her the best.

FSA Activity Thursday March 26th

2009-03-20T07:59:00.000-07:00

All FSA Couples invited to a special open house we are having. This can be a great opportunity to get to know all of the LDSFS staff, including the adoption secretary, adoption supervisor, and case workers. It is also beneficial for all of them to meet you so that we can better promote your adoption and assist you through your adoption experience. We'll also have finding ideas and information about what FSA is doing.

The open house will be held

March 26th

from 6:30 pm-8:30 pm

at the West Valley Agency.

Refreshments will be served.

We'll see you there.

www.itsaboutlove.org

Birth Parent Gift Idea: Basket of the Child’s Favorite Things

2009-03-17T06:18:00.000-07:00

Making a basket of the Child’s favorite foods,
toys, music, etc., gives the birthparents a
wonderful gift that lets them see some of the
things that the child has come to enjoy.

Great Gift Idea for: One year
Appropriate for: Birthmother

Transracial Adoption Conference Tomorrow at BYU

2009-03-16T10:40:00.000-07:00

tomorrow is your lucky day.
tomorrow BYU is hosting a free conference on transracial adoption from 9-5:30.

This is a free conference that will focus on issues in both transnational and transracial adoptions. Featured speakers will be Rita J. Simon (American University) and Howard Altstein (University of Maryland). While the conference is free, it is requested that audience members register so that they can plan room sizes and locations within the conference center. Lunch can also be purchased in advance. The conference will be held at BYU's Conference Center. For further information about registering & luncheon details, send an email to Transracialadoptionbyu@gmail.com.

click here to see the official flyer.

Article: "The Psychological Component of Infertility"

2009-03-15T10:30:00.000-07:00

This article is by a physician to other physicians, that actually was really thought provoking ...and just good.

Especially thought provoking parts are highlighted purple.

The Psychological Component of Infertility

by Patricia P. Mahlstedt
taken from Modern Trends, 1985.

Patients often expect more from physicians than physicians themselves believe they can give; and frustrated, angry patients sometimes want to get back at their physicians.

The stresses of trying and failing to conceive for at least one year have significant effects on individuals, relationships, and even careers. Patients often report that no part of their lives--including, and most importantly, treatment itself--is untouched by the disheartening experience of being infertile.

This article will present a model for conceptualizing the psychological component of infertility. It is often avoided by both physicians and couples. Concluding the article are recommendations for physicians and for couples to consider when challenged by infertility's intense and surprising emotional consequences.

THE PSYCHOLOGICAL COMPONENT

Even though this impact is usually far greater when the treatment process is prolonged and unsuccessful, the psychological component begins to develop when a couples realizes they are not conceiving according to their plans. They begin to "try harder," to contact physicians, and to worry. They focus their attentions on what they have failed to accomplish and soon start neglecting other goals and needs in their lives. In most cases, this type of focusing leads to losses of self-esteem, confidence, security, health, close relationships, and even hope. Some patients lose sexual potency or interest in sexual intercourse, losses that interfere with treatment goals and put significant stress on marriages. There is no balance in their lives. There is, instead, hope one week, grief the next. This cycle creates a very confusing roller coaster with depressions, anger, and guilt as part of its down side.

Depression
Depression, characterized by a sense of hopelessness and despair, is a very common consequence of the diagnosis and treatment of infertility. For some, depressive episodes are periodic and brief. For others, depression--with occasional respites--is a daily curse throughout the entire process. Depression is for some incapacitation and for others heavy emotional baggage that they learn to carry. However it is experienced, depression is a response to both the excessive losses and the prolonged stresses created by infertility.

Loss
Who can mourn the loss of someone who has never been born or possibly conceived? The fact that there is nothing tangible to represent the loss actually intensifies the pain and makes the loss more difficult to understand. The loss may involve a love object, a variety or reinforcers, power and control over the environment, or positive and hopeful developments in ones' life. These losses usually involve a crucially important source of security, which, when lost leads to a depressed condition and a sense of helplessness and hopelessness.

Recent research categorized the losses in adulthood which are of greatest clinical importance as etiological factors in depression. They are as follows: (1) loss of a relationship; (2) loss of health; (3) loss of status or prestige; (4) loss of self-esteem; (5) loss of self-confidence; (6) loss of security; (7) loss of a fantasy or the hope of fulfilling an important fantasy; and (8) loss of something or someone of great symbolic value. Any one of these losses could precipitate a depressive reaction in an adult. The experience of infertility involves them all.

Loss of a Relationship with an Emotionally Important Person Because of Death, Divorce, the Waning of Affections, or Separation. Ending a relationship may be an actuality or just an unspoken fear of many infertile couples. In fact, a couple may divorce or may sever relationships with friends and family. More often, however, the loss of significant relationships is an unspoken fear. Couples sometimes become polarized because infertility affects them differently or because they cope differently.

Loss of Health, Important Body Functions, or Physical Attractiveness Due to Disease, Injury, Aging--In Other Words, Some Loss of an Acceptable Self or Body Image. Regardless of the causes of infertility, men and women believe their bodies are damaged or defective--some-thing is not functioning as it should. Another aspect of this loss is the loss of sexual spontaneity. Finally, there may indeed be a true loss of health.

Loss of Status or Prestige (in the Eyes of Others). Society places eminent value on parenthood. The infertile man who is unable to father a natural child may feel that others question his masculinity. For many women, having children is central to their identity...."I feel like I don't belong, like second-class citizen with no place to go. Without a child, my husband and I don't fit in with our friends who do."

Loss of Self-Esteem (or Pride in Oneself). Making the decision to consult with an infertility specialist is, for some, similar to making the decision to see a psychologist or psychiatrist. Before making that decision, a person must acknowledge that there is a problem--that something is wrong. "I wanted to think I was just having trouble getting pregnant. When I went for the first appointment with the infertility specialist, I sat in the corner away from the other patients, who were probably infertile. In my mind, I was not one of them." Being infertile was an insult to this woman's self-esteem.

Self-esteem is also damaged when a couple notices the flood of emotions that overtakes them, emotions they are not accustomed to. They are especially upset by their negative attitudes toward others, particularly their anger and jealousy. "Good" people do not feel angry, jealous, or resentful, and "good" people do not have "these kinds of problems."

Loss of Self-Confidence. Couples struggle with the questions: "Should I go back to school, to work?" "Should we move?" "When do I stop taking medication, having surgery, or keeping the temperature chart? Am I a quitter if I do?" "Should we change physicians? How do we know who is best for us?" "Should we adopt...or consider artificial insemination?"

Loss of Security (Occupational, Financial, Social, or Cultural). On a deeper level, there is a loss of security about the fairness and predictability of life. Couples struggle to determine what they have done to deserve being infertile and how they could have prevented it from happening. They often fear that if this could happen, so could anything else.

The Loss of Hope of Fulfilling an Important Fantasy. Having a child is tantamount for some to growing up and becoming an adult. Without this experience, individuals may not believe they have accomplished that unique psychological passage to adulthood.

Loss of Something or Someone of Great Symbolic Value. Because there is no tangible or clearly defined loss for family and friends to see--no sense of finality as in death or divorce--it is difficult for others to truly empathize. Even the couple finds it hard to comprehend this intangible loss; but they ache nevertheless.

Stress
As described above, infertility creates many simultaneous and complex losses. In this regard, it is comparable only to death and divorce. The ritual of a wake and a funeral provides support for the bereaved. For the infertile couple, there are no rituals. They are not considered bereaved. So they suffer alone. This phenomenon--that there are so many simultaneous losses and no ritualized support or outlet for the grief--leads to intense stress.

Like loss, stress depletes people of psychological energy ordinarily used to enjoy life and to solve problems of all magnitudes. Less able to cope, people become depressed.

Anger
The multiple loses and stresses of infertility leave couples not only depressed, but angry. In particular, losing control over when or whether one becomes a parent--a loss most people never even consider, much less face--enrages many couples. As daily lives become fragmented by personal and work obligations and treatment demands, anger grows. Anger, both expressed and repressed, has significant effects on individuals and on their relationships with others. The internal rage may be repressed...but it eventually is unleashed on the physician, the spouse, family, friends, and God.

Guilt
The irrational belief that they must have caused their infertility imposes tremendous guilt on many innocent couples. Guilt is also a futile attempt to gain control of the question "Why." If there were an understandable reason, many would feel less frustrated, less angry, less depressed.

Summary
Both diagnosis and treatment of infertility have a profound impact on people's lives. It is a process which invades one's body, one's personality, one's job, and one's mind. Diagnoses are often vague and inconclusive, and treatment is painful, intrusive, and time consuming. Common emotional responses are depressed due to multiple losses and prolonged stress; anger at the confusion, ambiguity, and unfairness of it all, and intense guilt for being infertile and for being upset about it. The grief associated with infertility has been compared with the grief caused by the death of a child. But it is the child who was never born, and there is no funeral. In most cases the intense emotional responses are appropriate; there is a lot to cry about. To what extent the emotional responses incapacitate depends on many factors, including the couple's ability to communicate, the importance of the child to the couple's identity, the attitudes of others involved, particularly physicians and their support staff, and the understanding of family and friends.

WHY IS THE PSYCHOLOGICAL COMPONENT OF INFERTILITY AVOIDED?

It is difficult for a couple to handle their feelings about infertility. They are unsure about how to help each other and how to deal with physicians, parents and friends. Couples feel overwhelmed. They are unsure about where to begin. The many indefinite aspects of infertility create anxiety and make coping more difficult. Infertile couples are usually isolated from each other and so know very little about how others respond to infertility and how they communicate when there is so much stress in their lives.

They cannot really grieve the loss of parenthood, because they are still hoping it will happen; maybe next month they will achieve a pregnancy. They cannot grieve the loss of control because they are still trying to attain control by doing everything the physician recommends. The loss of potential is harder to cry about. Grieving during the infertility process is like the process of grieving over the death of a soldier who is missing in action as opposed to grieving over one who was killed. In both processes, there is nothing definite, and hoping enable people to avoid pain.

Men and women respond differently to the problem of infertility. A man's silence sometimes confuses and upsets a woman, because she believes that the silence means that her husband is not as involved or concerned as she is. That perception might be accurate--some men do not feel the need for children as intensely as some women...perhaps he simply does not express his feelings as openly, as often, or as intensely as his wife.

Moreover, the responses to infertility depend to some degree on who is being treated for the medical problem. Although not directly affected but he treatment, men worry about their wives' physical and emotional health, question their abilities to make things better, and listen to and live with their wives' despair and anger.

When a man is being treated for the medical problem, his experiences are different, and so, understandably are his responses. In addition to feeling responsible for supporting her through this crisis, he feels responsible for creating the problem in the first place. She, in turn, vacillates between feeling supportive and angry toward him and depressed over her own losses.

HOW CAN YOU KNOW ABOUT AND ATTEND TO THE PSYCHOLOGICAL COMPONENT OF INFERTILITY?

Infertility is a life crisis that is difficult for all involved to handle. The Chinese symbol for crisis is composed of two words: danger and opportunity. Infertility is a crisis which involves many personal risks, and yet for some it becomes an opportunity for growth.

Because some patients hide their emotions, others involved with the patient need to be familiar with observed or reported symptoms which are indicative of depression and other problems in coping. They include the following: (1) change in personality (unusual withdrawal, sudden difficulty in talking with they physician, extreme moodiness); (2) changes in appetite or sleep patterns; (3) unexplainable loss of friends; (4) martial or sexual difficulties; (5) excessive crying; (6) physiologic or psychologic tension; or (7) serious employment problems.

Support groups often create opportunities for patient to develop positive perceptions of themselves and for physicians to attend to the psychological component without taking time from their work to do so. Some physicians sponsor support groups for the infertility patients...there are also local and national support groups.

Another supportive action on the part of physicians is to encourage communication with patients about all aspects of their infertility.

A final, more time-consuming way to attend to the psychological component is to discuss strategies that couples can use to help themselves. The following recommendations are included for physicians to share with their patients:

--Because infertility represents a loss of very great magnitude, couples must grieve those losses. In order to facilitate each other's grieving, individuals need to have permission to grieve, understanding that a loss of very great magnitude has occurred and grieving is normal. Successful resolutions of the grief will enable the couple to give up the anger, depression, and resentment that cling to them before the grieving is done and to move to an acceptance of their infertility, of other's insensitivity, and of the unfairness of it all.

--Couples need to accept differences in feelings and in ways of coping. Couples argue about feelings because they make assumptions about what the other person's feelings mean, do not like the assumptions, and so try to change the other's feelings. That one person cares more than another or that one is more reserved in the expression of feelings does not have to matter.

--Each person needs to take time to hear how the infertility process is affecting his/her spouse.

--Each person needs to take responsibility for his/her feelings.

--Couples must nurture their marriage. They can learn to live for what is present and not for what is missing in their relationship.

--Some couples might want to take a vacation. A "time out" can make it easier to see infertility as just a part of their lives.

--Couples must share with other and ask for what they need from them. They must widen support systems and broaden their bases of information.

--Very importantly, each couple must be reasonable in their expectations. No one can take away the realities of life that cause pain.

CONCLUSION

An infertility patient once said: My infertility is a blow to my self-esteem, a violation of my privacy, an assault on my sexuality, a final exam on my ability to cope, an affront to my sense of justice, a painful reminder that nothing can be taken for granted. My infertility is a break in the continuity of life. It is about all, a wound--to my body, to my psyche, to my soul.

Finding Friday: Open Your Mouth

2009-03-13T08:18:00.000-07:00

{Finding Idea: Tell Everyone You Know of Your Hope to Adopt and Encourage Them to Spread the Word}

Personal Communication:

Verbally let your family and friends know of your desire to adopt.
Look for opportunities to talk about adoption and share your desires with others.
Encourage family and friends to share your information with others.
Don't be afraid to speak up, ask questions and share your hopes!

Utah Adoption Council Conference

2009-03-11T08:42:00.000-07:00

If you are interested in attending the conference, you will need to follow the directions to register at the door.
Click on any of the above pages to enlarge the information.

Article: Lessons of Adoption Can Be Difficult, But Have Widespread Applications

2009-03-08T20:04:00.001-07:00

Lessons of Adoption Can Be Difficult, But Have Widespread Applications

This week's article is taken from Adopted Child, Volume 17, Number 9, September 1998.
by Lois R. Melina

Adoption reaches us in ways we never imagine when we first welcome our children. Adoption teaches us about grieving, about our ability to control events, and about relationships. Through adoption we face our prejudices, our fears, and our expectations of ourselves and our children. Adoption is a lens through which we look at our world. It clarifies some aspects and blurs others. In the end, the lessons of adoption are lessons on love.

Adoption is not second-best
I smiled inwardly when my friend talked about her plan to have a baby. The baby would be born at the beginning of the summer so that she could finish teaching and be back in the classroom in the fall. She would carefully follow advice about conception so as to maximize her chances of having a girl. The baby, she hoped, would have her curly hair rather than her husband's thin, straight hair. Careful selection of music during the pregnancy and birth would mold the child's taste in music as well as her temperament.
I remember having thoughts like that.

Adoption reminds us that we have less control over our lives that we often think or want. Infertile adoptive parents progress from wanting to determine the sex, birth date, and genetic code for their child to just wanting a child. Along the way, we evaluate all those factors that seem essential to us at the beginning of our drive to reproduce, gradually letting go of the ones that are less important. We examine factors that still seem important to figure out why.

Why do we want a child with an IQ at least as high as ours? Why do we want a baby? Why do we want a healthy baby when a biological child could be born with disabilities or chronic illness? Though we know much about a biological child is beyond our control, we hang onto the illusion that we can control enough factors to at least increase the odds of getting what we want. We selectively ignore the risk factors in our own families, or perhaps we are not afraid of them because we have already learned that we can live with them.

Ultimately we must confront the question of whether the glass is half full or half empty. Is this a child who is likely to not have something our biologic child probably would have had, or is this a child who will enrich our lives with his or her unique, unknown qualities?

The phone call reported the premature death of an acquaintance who had many talents and achievements--and had struggled with depression. At the time, I was still struggling with the relative importance of raising a child with my genes versus someone else's. It occurred to me that parents get little comfort from the knowledge that they have passed on their abilities and aptitudes if they do not also pass on their joy for life.

For some people, the fact they adoptive parents do not get what they wanted when they began the process of reproduction, i.e. a child with their genetic code and perhaps even specific inherited traits, leads them to conclude that we have settled for second best. Even some adoptive parents and adoptees draw this conclusion.

What we learn when we analyze this is that adoption, for most of us was a second choice, but that does not mean it is second best. We didn't get what we wanted at first. We didn't get what we first thought we needed. However, we have found our second choice to be as enriching and as satisfying as we expected our first choice to be.

Eighteen or so years after we welcome our children home, we realize that if we had been able to exert control over the formation of our family, we would have missed incredible experiences and never known some extraordinary children. We would have missed the amazing discoveries of children whose biologic composition showed us a different way of approaching challenges or looking at the world; whose genetically determined traits and abilities took us down different paths than we had known before. Without adoption we might not have realized that loving our children is not about loving the best parts of ourselves as reflected in our children, but about cherishing them as individuals with unique qualities.

Some people find spiritual implications in these discoveries. The idea that they could have been so off-base in determining what they needed, and that some higher power intervened, creating the crisis of infertility followed by the adoption of a child whose coming into their family appears to have been almost accidental, invites examination of concepts like blind luck, serendipity, destiny, karma, and God's plan. Having been so generously rewarded when they let go of control, adoptive parents may find that adoption has opened them up to other kinds of unknowns and allowed them to trust in that higher power.

Connections and loss
One of the first concepts presented to adoptive parents these days is that children grieve for the losses they experience in adoption. How primal this loss is, how deep the wounds, what its lingering effects, and how it is healed are questions still being debated.

It's one thing for parents to hear in an orientation class about the pain that an adoptee feels when she realizes her birth mother "gave her away." It's quite another for parents to see the child they love aching because she thinks she must be truly unworthy if her own birth mother "gave her away."

Committed to meeting our children's needs, we realize we cannot take the hurt away. We cannot pretend it didn't happen. We cannot compensate for the loss simply by being there or by giving more than the birth parents would have been able to give. We feel left out because this is about our child and someone else--someone we may not even know. Yet it may feel like this is about us and our failure to be everything our child needs.

Of course, we may tryt to distract our child from the pain, minimize it, or make her feel guilty or ungratful for having it. However, if we can acknowledge it, and recognize our role is to provide solace, we can learn much from our child's grief.

We can learn that children do have feelings. They are not emotionally shallow. Nor are they stronger emotionally than adults--able to rebound quickly from trauma. Rational explanations work not better to reduce a child's anguish than they do with adults--we continue to hurt even though we may intellectually understand that no personal injury was intended.

We can learn that feelings cannot be plotted on a balance sheet, with the emotional "gains" from a single incident, or an entire lifetime, compensating for the losses. We are entitled to an emotional response to each separate event. We cannot reduce the pain that comes with a child feeling abandoned by her birth mother by pointing out how much better off she is in his adoptive family any more than an adult's pain is reduced when, for example, a relationship goes sour and a well meaning friend tells her how good freedom can be.

"I wish I were in Korea, but if I were in Korea, I wouldn't have you, "a young girl said to her adoptive parents.

We've heard the maxim that when one door closes, another door opens, and that idea characterizes adoption. At every junction, there is a door that opens, but that would not be open were it not for another pathway being closed off. Whichever door is chosen, the other must close. Adoption reminds us that no matter how attractive one door might be, there is loss involved in choosing it. That loss doesn't diminish the experience of the door we go through; nor does the experience we choose make up for the loss.

We can spend a lifetime wondering about the doors we did not go through, whether through our choice or not. We help our children not bu pointing out to them how much they would have regretted the other doors, how inferior those paths, or how much they would have missed had they not gone through the door they did. We help our children by helping them learn that we can grieve for what was, missed, but we much still move on and embrace what is ahead. This is the lesson of infertility as well.

As parents, our understanding of our children's adoption-related grief can sensitize us to the validity of their feelings in other situations. Soon we begin to wonder how much of our child's grief over a friend who has rejected her is tied to her feelings of being rejected by her birth mother, or whether she is feeling the loss of her adoptive grandmother more because she's relating it to the loss of her birth family. Is every loss complicated by the losses of adoption, or have we become overly sensitive to grief issues, inadvertently making them seem bigger than they really might be?

What we may realize is that no matter what the age of the person, or whether he was adopted or not, what really hurts in life is being rejected or abandoned, and what's really frightening is the thought of being rejected or abandoned. We want to be wanted. We want to be valued. We want to have the choice of having that relationship, because the alternative could be that we are left alone. And while we all may crave privacy and appreciate independence, we all want the option of intimacy.

A family on earth
Adoption expands our relationships. We start be questioning how a child not biologically related to se can be a member of our family. Then. perhaps. we find ourselves feeling connected to the child's birth parents. Maybe we actually know them. Many adoptive parents today meet their children's birth parents prior to the adoption. Some develop a close relationship while other relate to each other more as distant friends.

Those of us who have not met our children's birth parents have nonetheless thought about them and perhaps craved the opportunity to reach out to them, assuring them that their child is thriving. In some cases, we feel a deep spiritual pull towards these birth parents, recognizing that though we may be unknown to each other, we have somehow all been involved in the creation and development of a remarkable human being. A profound connection like that cannot be easily dismissed.

As our children grow, we see glimpses os what we conclude is the influence of biology. Sometimes this challenges us--we want to credit environment for what we like in our child and blame biology for the rest. We learn, though, that our child is a complete package--to love part of her we much love the whole. This surrender to unconditional love is all that more incredible because it does involve accepting something beyond us.

The drive to become a parent is the human drive to reproduce ourselves. The basic instinct is survival of the human race. Beyond that is the desire to create a physical embodiment of the love that we share with another human being--a child who will meld the best of each of us into one person, and carry that into future generations.

When we lose this opportunity to immortalize our love, there is a deep loss which all infertile couples feel. However, when we accept a child with another genetic heritage as our child, and love that child as the unique mix of environment and heredity that he is, we achieve immortality in a different way. This act of love illustrates the idea that when we reproduce ourselves through adoption, our selves include all humanity.

When the adoption is international or transracial, that concept is even more significant. We cal call ourselves parent to a child with a different racial or ethnic heritage because all of humanity is ultimately related.

Again, we can take that lesson into the rest of our lives. What we have in common is greater than what separates us. And our capacity to love others, including people who seem to be very different from us, is much greater than we often realize. Blood is thicker than water, but who has water in their veins?

"Would you love me more if I have been born to you?"

How could any adoptive parent answer that question? We cannot imagine loving our children more than we do. But, more important, we would not be the same had we done through different doors. Our children would not be the same had they not gone through their doors. If it had been possible for the child with his unique DNA to be born to us, we would still not be the same people.

Being a family
Adoption causes us to examine the cultural notions of family. Because an adoptive family is formed through a legal process, the culture that controls the legal system defines what is an adoptive family according to cultural beliefs. We have seen singel men struggle to be allowed to adopt because the culture expects women, not men, to be nurturers. As nurturing roles for men have become more prevalent in the culture as a whole, men have faced less discrimination in adopting.

We have seen Caucasian parents face barriers to adoption African-American children. While much of the resistance has come from the African-American community, multiracial families still seem to confound the culture. Wen parent and child apparently defy the lingering cultural taboo of racial intermingling, strangers feel they are entitled to an explanation. As this taboo breaks down, transracial adoption becomes more accepted.

Gay and lesbian parents, women over 40, and unmarried couples face closer scrutiny before being able to adopt because at first glance they do not look like what our culture expects a family to look like. Even families whose relationship is called into questions by different hair color must explain their validity as a family.

When we adopt, we must explore how people who are not biologically connected can call themselves a family. If it isn't biology that binds us, what is it? Sometimes we look at the marriage model and realize that when we marry we create a family of two people not biologically related. Surely we can do the same with a child. The difference is that we create a family through marriage after we meet and fall in love with someone.

Though couples with arranged marriages learn to love each other, most of us do not want to take that risk. But adoption is an arranged family, with children going to parents in ways that sometimes seem random. It takes a leap of faith to believe that we will learn to love a child when we have not met him and know that we will not find familiarity through genetic traits.

Because we know that our relationship with our child is completely dependent on our interactions with each other, adoptive parents tend to put a lot of effort into being a family--into building relationships that some parents assume will be there because the biologic connection is there.

We bristly at the term real parents when the implication is that these are the biologic parents. We know that biologic or not, real relationships grow when parents are available--physically and emotionally, when children's physical and emotional and spiritual needs are met, when experiences and thoughts and fears are shared. We know that a piece of paper saying we are the legal parents of a child will not create trust or provide security. If they think about it--and many do--biologic parents realize that DNA doesn't do that, either. The difference is that having never had to examine what makes a family a family, some parents mistakenly assume that closeness is the automatic result of living together.

Just as welcoming a child is an array of firsts--first bath, first feeding, first time he slept through the night--letting go of a child is an awareness of potential finality--maybe the last camping trip, possibly that last time together on a birthday. There is the sadness of parting, but letting go is simple an extension of meeting the child's needs.

When a 7-year-old needs to learn more, we send him to first grade. We calm our nerves by reminding ourselves that we have done everything we could to prepare him. When it's time for children to leave home, parents and children both recognize that the next stage in development requires physical separation. We calm our nerves by reminding ourselves that for the past 18 or so years, our son or daughter has turned to us in times of need, when frightened or confused, and when delighted. We expect phone calls reporting roommate dissatisfaction, low finances, pride in accomplishment. And we know know that is a sign that even apart, we are still a family.

Finding Friday: Adoption Open House/Kick Off Party

2009-03-06T01:20:00.000-08:00

{Finding Idea: Have an Adoption Kick Off Party}

Hold an adoption open house/special meeting/kick off:

Invite family and friends to come and listen to an FSA volunteer or an LDS Family Services caseworker give an outreach presentation.
Explain adoption and how your family and friends can help you connect with a birth family.
Have a laptop running your adoption web pages so your family and friends can see them first hand.
Pass out information packets.

Real Life Stories

2009-03-04T15:47:00.000-08:00

You might have heard that itsaboutlove.org is getting an extreme makeover.

There is one section of it that is just incredible.

It's called
Real Life Stories

It features videos of 9 birth mothers telling their own stories.

Brittany was so touched by their accounts that she created a button to help more people become aware of their stories. She has agreed to offer it to everyone out there.

Here's what to do:

1) Right click on the button, choose "Save Image As", and save to your computer.
2) In Blogger Layout, choose "Add a Gadget" and "Picture"
3) Download the button and put this URL in the link box.

Article: "22 Yards of Ribbon and Perfect Timing"

2009-03-01T08:17:00.000-08:00

By Lindsey Redfern

Panicked, I got off the phone with my mother. She had just moved up my sister-in-law’s baby shower a whole week. I had been charged with the task of making invitations. The invitations had to be made that day! Knowing my inability to focus in craft stores, I invited by dearest friend, Laura visiting from Chicago, to accompany me and force me to make decisions on what supplies I needed. Although it was not what I had in mind, we decided to go to a shop down the street from where she was staying. I had no idea that we would also be doing some quality adoption outreach along the way.

I must admit that I am like a kid in a candy store when it comes to selecting crafting supplies. On our fourth lap around the store, Laura finally pinned me down on the ribbon I would use on the invitations. (Ribbon that I ended up not using in the end.) For some reason, we estimated that I needed about 22 yards. That seems crazy-extravagant to me now.

As I approached the employee to ask for some assistance in measuring and cutting the ribbon, I couldn’t help but overhear an all too familiar phrase from the lady she was chatting with, “...and she decided to keep the baby.” I wasn’t sure if they thought that was good or bad. My heart started to race--much like when you know you are supposed to bear your testimony in Fast and Testimony Meeting. I felt the Spirit.

As the employee’s attention turned to me and her friend left, I heard myself telling her how many millions of yards I needed, but my mind was elsewhere. I was praying. “Please, Heavenly Father, help me know what to say. Please help me create a conversation that will lead to adoption.” I looked at my beautiful son in the shopping cart and decided that I would take the risk. After all, someone did it for us.

As if she had read my thoughts, my dear friend Laura started speaking of a tragedy that had just happened in her family where a child was killed in a horrible accident. Laura and I were chatting about the topic between the two of us when Laura asked me, “How do you get over something like that?”

The employee (who was still measuring out the 22 yards) said softly, “You don’t. My son was killed six years ago.” From here the conversation took on a very personal and almost sacred tone. She shared some of the things that she does with her family to remember her son. She spoke of how important family is.

Realizing the direct and immediate answer to my prayer, I waited for an appropriate lull in the conversation when I knew she was finished sharing about her son to make my move. The employee was still measuring out the ribbon as I blurted out, “And did I hear your friends say that someone in an unplanned pregnancy was going to keep her baby?”

She smiled and explained that actually her friends had been chosen by a birth mother who had changed her mind in the hospital and decided to parent. I expressed to her how hard I knew that was and how my heart went out to the couple. I then told her that my little guy is adopted and that adoption seems to be on my mind all the time.

What happened next shocked me.

Now untangling the newly measured and cut ribbon, she offers, “But, my best friend’s daughter, who I practically raised, is single and just had a baby. The baby’s in the hospital right now with some breathing problems due to the drugs that surrounded the pregnancy. I’m adopted and I think adoption is the best thing in the world, but I don’t know how to get a hold of her and talk to her about it.” She went on to tell us how the state will most likely not allow her to parent and will find foster care for the infant due to the drugs the mother was involved in.

I explained (without really knowing what I was saying) that if she presented an adoption plan and relinquished her rights that this birth mother could be able to choose the family that the baby was placed in. She could choose where they lived, what they liked to do, their religion and she could even have visits if she chose a couple that was open to that. These options might not be available to her if the state took over.

Then, I found myself busting out with the statistics and websites that we use in the classroom presentations on adoption in the high schools and junior high schools. How glad I was to be armed with such powerful information.

As the time came for us to leave, I wished I had listened to the Spirit the day before when prompted to put some pass-along cards from friends in the finding phase in my purse. I didn’t. I could have kicked myself. I won’t let that happen again.

I didn’t want to leave her empty handed. I asked her for a piece of paper, wrote down my name, email and phone numbers as well websites where she could anonymously look at couples hoping to build their families through adoption who are starving for babies in their home.

I testified that the best thing she could do for her friend would be to get her some help, for free, at LDS Family Services and I wrote down the address. “Here,” I told her, “they can help her understand the laws and what her options are. They will take good care of her over there.” I told her that they could just walk in and they would be helped.

The employee tucked the paper into her apron and thanked us. She said she would talk to her friend. I smiled. It always feels good to listen to the Spirit.

I don’t know if my mom was inspired to change the date of the shower or if Laura was directed to point out her favorite craft store instead of mine. I don’t know if it was my crafting indecision that caused us to be in the right place to overhear the right conversation at the right time. I don’t know if I was only attracted to that ribbon and felt that I needed a whopping 22 yards for the sole purpose of contacting this employee. But, I do know that I am grateful that there were 22 yards to be counted so that the conversation would take longer. I am thankful that, even though I didn’t have all the answers, I was still able to give some information instead of none at all. And to be honest, it was really easy. The conversation just flowed.

Reaching out to our community is more than doing classroom presentations in the health classes at the local high school. It’s opening our mouths when we are out in our community and helping to spread the good news of adoption--the joyful, life changing and hope giving news of adoption.

Finding Friday: Send Out Information Packets

2009-02-27T15:09:00.000-08:00

{Finding Idea: Create and Distribute Information Packets}

Send out Information Packets to family, friends, Church members, medical professionals, neighbors, adoption attorneys ...and anyone you can think of that has contact with unwed parents.

Packets can include:

Quotes from Church leaders regarding adoption and unwed parents
Your website address and case worker's name and phone number
Your birth parent letter and collage
Information explaining adoption
Business card
Promotion pens/pencils

*Information taken from Someone's Missing...

Birth Parent Gift Idea: Quilts and Blankets

2009-02-26T06:40:00.000-08:00

Quilt
Quilts similar to that of the child’s can be
made for the birthmother to give her something
soft to cuddle up with. Quilts can also be made
out of the child’s clothes once they have outgrown
them.

Blanket
Have a blanket made for the birthmother and child out of the same material as the child's sheets. The birthmother's is her size and the child's is his size. Add their initial to each blanket.

You can never go wrong with things that
are made from the heart!

Great Gift Idea for: Placement/One year
Appropriate for: Birthmother

Adoption Deduction Disallowed on Utah State Tax Returns

2009-02-24T06:08:00.000-08:00

Tax Alert

The following information is from Donald B. Nelson & Associates. Donald is an adoptive dad as well as a tax accountant.

Adoption deduction disallowed on the Utah state return

The Utah State Tax Commission recently announced that the adoption expense deduction will not be included when you file your Utah return for 2008. See link: http://incometax.utah.gov/new.php

The Tax Commission explained that as a result of moving to a flat tax they removed all deductions. However, a few of the deductions are now being allowed as credits, but not the Adoption expense. This will result in a tax increase of $500-$1000 for the average adoptive couple in Utah for the 2008 tax return. It comes on the heels of an economic crisis, when the federal government is looking to stimulate the economy.

It doesn't make sense that in a state like Utah we would remove the Adoption expense and Disabled dependent deductions. They should at least be allowed as a credit. There is, however, a credit for special needs adoption.

The Tax Commission would also be for allowing an adoption expense credit, and suggested that we push for legislation in creating a credit for Adoption expenses. The problem is not the tax commission but getting enough push with local legislation.

How this effects you

If you paid adoption expenses in 2008 you will not be able to claim a deduction for those expenses on your Utah state tax return. You lose out on a minimum of $100 for every $1500 you spent towards adoption.

If you had any adoption expenses that you paid prior to 2008, but you were waiting to claim them when you claimed the federal adoption credit, you may want to go back and amend a prior year return to claim them on the year you paid them.

What should you do

Contact a tax professional that you know is familiar with the adoption tax laws for both federal and state. This could mean $100s to $1000s to you and it needs to be done right. The tax laws for adoption are not straight forward. You can call me anytime, even during tax season, and I will be happy to answer any questions you have.

Thanks.

Donald A. Nelson

donald@dbntax.com

Article: "Joseph of Nazareth"

2009-02-22T18:03:00.000-08:00

Joseph of Nazareth

Church News, 12 December 1992, p. 16

When unexpected events come into our lives it is often difficult to cope with such unforeseen or surprise happenings. Some people under these circumstances lose their moorings or even abandon the original goals they were seeking before the unintended events faced them.

But such was not the case with Joseph of Nazareth, whose life took an unanticipated turn of events as the time drew nigh for the earthly advent of Jesus Christ.

Joseph, a carpenter by trade, was of the royal lineage of David. Had Judah not been under Roman rule, Joseph would have ruled as her rightful sovereign. He was engaged to one of his city's most beautiful maidens, his cousin Mary. Their fathers were brothers, and this was expected to be a joyous family event.

Under Jewish law marriage took place in two steps. First was the espousal or betrothal, and then later came the more formal marriage ceremony. The espousal carries with it the fullest sense of responsibility. So serious was this time of betrothal that it could only be broken by a process akin to divorce.

It was during thes sacred period of commitment to each other the Mary received a surprise visit from the Angel Gabriel, who announced to her that she had found great favor with God. And then he said:

"Behold, thou shalt conceive in thy womb, and bring forth a son, and shall call his name JESUS." (Luke 1:31.)

Because she had not yet married Joseph, Mary questioned the angel how such a thing could be. "And the angel answered and said unto her, The Holy Ghost shall come upon thee, and the power of the Highest shall overshadow thee; therefore also that holy thing which shall be born of thee shall be called the Son of God." (Luke 1:35.)

With humility, the young virgin, perhaps 15 or 16 years of age, accepted the angel's message and did, indeed, conceive child of God.

But then came the task of telling Joseph. This must not have been easy, for the supposition is that after she informed him she quickly left Nazareth and went to the land of Judea to be with her older and wiser cousin Elisabeth, the wife of Zacharias. The angel Gabriel had told Mary of the miraculous pregnancy of Elisabeth, who was to bear John the Baptist.

With Elisabeth and Zacharias, Mary must have felt secure for both of them had received witness through the Spirit that Mary was to bear the divine Christ child.

For about three months while Mary was in Judea, Joseph wrestled with his unexpected problems.

In his agony and uncertainty Joseph must have wanted to believe Mary's account because of his love for her. However, the scripture states, "Then Joseph her husband, being a just man, and not willing to make her a public example, was minded to put her away privily." (Matt. 1:19.) Under Jewish law this meant that he would give her a letter of divorce in the presence of two witnesses rather than make it a metter of public knowledge and possible gossip.

One can only imagine how Joseph must have pondered and prayed, how his faith was tested to the utmost, and how he went through the refiner's fire. But his faith triumphed, he passed the tests, and the Angel Gabriel then came to him and declared:

"Joseph, thou son of David, fear not to take unto thee Mary thy wife: for that which is conceived in her is of the Holy Ghost." (Matt. 1:20.)

How welcome these words must have been to the troubled Joseph. Now he knew. There was no doubt. He bade Mary to return and they were married immediately. But the scriptures assure us that Joseph honored the condition of Mary and "knew her not till she had brought forth her firstborn son." (Matt. 1:25.)

Under Jewish law a man could consider an adopted son his own if he taught him a handicraft or trade. Undoubtedly Jesus learned carpentry from Joseph. The scriptures affirm: "And he served under his father, and he spake not as other men, neither could he be taught; for he needed not that any man should teach him." (JST Matt. 3:25.)

Joseph was a faithful husband to Mary. He was a valiant mortal parent to Jesus. The Lord had called him to a special mission, and every indication is that he fulfilled it with diligence and honor. How glorious it would have been to hear him bear testimony about the events surrounding the birth and early life of Jesus.

Like Joseph of old we, too, must cope with unexpected events. When they occur and our faith is tested, it would be well for us to exhibit the courage, persistence, and valiance of Joseph. With such faith and determination we, too, can do all that God expects of us and conquer the unexpected problems of life.

Finding Friday: Be Involved in FSA

2009-02-07T10:42:00.000-08:00

West Fest Parade Group 2008

{Finding Idea: Get Involved in FSA}

Be Involved in FSA:

Another adoptive family may hear of a situation that doesn't work for them but will for you.
Be on the front lines in promoting adoption. You never know who might approach you.
Volunteering keeps your face in front of your worker and can't be forgotten.
Present on adoption in your community.
Give or arrange for a birth parent presentation in your ward. Discuss the agency's new adoption policy.
Help your family and friends develop a commitment to your adoption.

*Information taken from Someone's Missing...

Birth Parent Gift Idea: Angel Figurines

2009-02-04T10:13:00.000-08:00

These are great to let the birthparents know that
they truly are an angel in your life! We say
“figurines” but anything with angels is great.
Willow Tree by Demdaco has a great line
of angels that are perfect.

Great Gift Idea for: Anytime
Appropriate for: Birthmother or Birthfather

Tamra's Story

2009-02-02T22:39:00.000-08:00

Article: "A Special Child"

2009-02-01T22:03:00.000-08:00

Photo courtesy of Jen Wheatley Photography

A Special Child

by Theodore M. Burton

This is a favorite part:

There they dressed in white clothes and dressed the little boy in white clothes too. Then they all knelt down at an altar in the temple. A man who held a special priesthood sealed that little boy to his new father and mother so that the family could be together forever. Now this boy really was their own special child, not only during this life, but even after death. If they all did what was right and loved one another, they could all live together with Jesus in heaven. Now that baby really was their special child!

"There really is such a thing as love at first sight..."